I discovered that I was pregnant with our second baby on April 11, 2012- my husband's birthday! We were happy but also surprised. Our first child was 11 months old at the time. (I was a bit distraught about the thought of going through another pregnancy right then. I felt I'd hardly recovered from the first one!)
Nevertheless, we were thrilled at the thought of having another BABY to love and care for! We had been overjoyed with loving our first child, and we couldn't wait for another one to love! We were definitely hoping for a large family, despite the fact that we married a bit later in life. So, in spite of my reluctance to go through pregnancy again, we felt the timing was perfect for another baby.
The first time that I felt something could be wrong with the baby growing inside my womb was in my dreams. I would awake, often, in the middle of a scenario where my baby was dying soon after childbirth. I found myself frequently wondering, and worrying- what would I do if this actually happened to me?!
I was already worried about miscarriage, as I'd been diagnosed with significant low progesterone and was taking shots to hopefully avoid it. We had a big scare with our first child around 8 weeks, and so I was overjoyed to get past 8 weeks, and then 12 weeks! Every day, every week, felt like a milestone to rejoice over.
At around 14 weeks I began to feel little fluttering feelings inside my abdomen- which I thought for sure was the baby moving! It was so much like my first, although I hadn't felt her movements until months later! I also had my first OB appt. that week. I breathed a sigh of relief when I got to hear the baby's heartbeat! I told the nurse I'd been having dreams that something was wrong, and I was so glad everything sounded ok. She smiled and assured me all was well.
Even though feeling the movement and hearing the baby's heartbeat were incredibly comforting, the dreams continued. Years back, I had known a family who had a child with anencephaly, and had also learned about it during an embryology class in college. This specifically came up in my dreams, as well. The dreams made me sad and worried, but having been pregnant before, (and knowing pregnancy dreams can be crazy!) I tried not to worry tooo much about them. I was very, very eager, however, to get to my ultrasound at 20 weeks, so I could learn once and for all that everything was truly ok!
I had requested my sister-in-law to perform the ultrasound as she's an advanced ultrasound specialist, and I knew she would do such a thorough job that we could relieve my fears once and for all.
We went in for the ultrasound on Aug. 1st, 2012. My husband, Matt, took the afternoon off work and came with me. I remember feeling great apprehension, practically nauseated, while sitting in the waiting room. By the time we got back to the ultrasound room and got started, however, I had forgotten all about my worries! Right away we saw the baby's heart beating, a perfectly formed spine, 2 kidneys, 2 little hands folded together, 2 wiggly feet kicking up a storm, got to see the stomach and leg bone measured and learning that this baby will most likely be tall... and everything seemed ok! There were only two features we hadn't seen yet (the genitals- we had wanted to be surprised!), and the head. (Thinking back, I can't believe I failed to realize this, as the head is the most obviously thing you see in an ultrasound!)
Anyhow, after all that, my sister-in-law finally panned to the baby's head and showed us the bad news. She froze the screen on the baby's face and we could just see the outline above the baby's eyes, but not the big forehead (like we saw with our first baby). She said she had to go and get a doctor now.
Matt and I sat there, tears welling up in our eyes, and stared at the screen. I was dumbfounded... I knew exactly what it meant... and I couldn't believe it. The baby's brain had never developed (all the way back in week 5 or 6) and it never would. The baby couldn't survive outside the womb- a missing brain is incompatible with life, as the medical term states it. The good heartbeat, all the fluttering and kicking I'd felt, didn't mean the baby was ok after all. The dreams were REAL. The dreams were really about ME and THIS BABY!!
Matt didn't instantly know what it all meant, but knew it was obviously bad news. The doctor came back and rattled off some explanations about anencephaly, but I didn't even hear him. I just still couldn't believe the dreams were true. (I don't think I'd ever had a real dream in my life before.) How was I possibly going to handle dealing with this situation??
The ultrasound doctor told us we had options... we could induce early (like next week!) and then we wouldn't have to go through the rest of the pregnancy. We were told we could think about it and our OB doctor would call us the next day. My sister-in-law gave us hugs and cried with us a little, and told us we were having a boy! (We definitely wanted to know the gender now, considering the situation.) She then led us out the back door so we didn't have to walk through the waiting room sobbing. We started thinking about our options.
Option 1- Not going through the rest of pregnancy sounded like a GREAT option... for a few seconds. I thought of how much easier it would be physically- not dealing with third trimester heartburn, pregnancy belly and backaches, lack of sleep, carpal tunnel, headaches without pain relievers, well-wishers congratulations, and consoling friends tears, and especially labor and delivery! We could meet the baby, (albeit he would still be very little), and work through the grief now rather than postponing it for 4 months. I could get back to normal life (and body) sooner than later, and maybe even get in some skiing this winter season too. I wasn't expecting that.
After a few seconds, though, other realities and questions started sinking in. How would I handle an early induction psychologically? How could I ever do it, knowing that I would be purposely ending my baby's life that day?? How could I live with myself after that? Besides, why would the doctor recommend inducing at this time- 21 weeks- before a healthy baby is even viable?? Hmmm.. wait a second!
Option 2- If I just do nothing, my baby will continue to live inside of me, wiggling and kicking and growing. I will forever know that I loved this baby and cared for him, as best I could, and I wouldn't have to live with the grief of purposely ending his little life. I would get to meet him and hold him, even if it was for a very short time. I could certainly still love him inside my womb, until God calls him to heaven.
I thought to myself- "If my firstborn, Elisa, was diagnosed with a terminal illness and had only 4 months to live... would I ask the doctors to end her life right now, or would I love and cherish every moment until God called her home?"
Thinking of it that way, the answer was pretty much a no-brainer. (No pun intended... sigh.) We didn't have to think about it anymore. It was obvious it wasn't a choice at all. I was incredibly sad and discouraged having to be in this position, but the only possible choice we could live with is to just love this baby as long as we can.
When we got back home, I looked up to see if there was some Catholic teaching on the subject of very early induction, just out of curiosity, and I came across this article which reaffirmed my concerns about it: http://www.ewtn.com/library/PROLIFE/bcdanen1.htm
I also came across the website Prenatal Partners for Life in which I read the most BEAUTIFUL articles of other parents who went through the same diagnosis! They were full of hope and love, and not one couple regretted their decision to carry their baby to term. The stories were so encouraging and faith-filled; it was an absolute God-send to read them! (Ps- you might want to have a box of tissues handy if you decide to take a look!) http://www.prenatalpartnersforlife.org/Stories/AnencephalyStoriesIndex.htm
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