Friday, August 31, 2012
Family Photos with Baby Joey
Cuddle Therapy
My 15-month old still sleeps in our room. To make a long story short... when Elisa was little, we owned or borrowed about every kind of baby-sleeping-contraption on the market, but Elisa would NOT sleep in them! She physically wanted the ability to reach out and touch me, and then she was a great sleeper. (Without me, she'd scream for hours and hours, and sleep 45 min at most. Next to me, she'd fall asleep in 2 min, and sleep all night! Easy solution, right?!)
Anyhow, with the news of baby #2 on the way, I decided it was time to wean her to her own room. After days and days of screaming, throwing herself out of the crib, etc, I decided it was a disaster and gave up for a while again. I was still concerned what we were going to do once Joey got here though.
Now, knowing the situation with Baby Joey, however, I cannot tell you what a joy it is having Elisa cuddle next to me! She is like another angel, from heaven, sent to comfort me here on Earth. It was as if she KNEW, all along... ("Mom!! Don't make me get tough with you. You are going to NEED my hugs in the coming months! I promised I'd take care of you, and I plan to!")
Elisa is the SWEETEST cuddler I could ever imagine. She scoots over next to me, leans her cheek against mine, wraps one little arm tightly around my neck, and twirls a piece of my hair. With her other hand, she also rubs my back, or sometimes my head. And then she falls right to sleep! In the morning she scoots back over to me, looks right into my eyes with a big grin, and wiggles her way in for some more cuddle time. It is unbelievably precious, and I just can't tell you what a gift it is!
Anyhow, with the news of baby #2 on the way, I decided it was time to wean her to her own room. After days and days of screaming, throwing herself out of the crib, etc, I decided it was a disaster and gave up for a while again. I was still concerned what we were going to do once Joey got here though.
Now, knowing the situation with Baby Joey, however, I cannot tell you what a joy it is having Elisa cuddle next to me! She is like another angel, from heaven, sent to comfort me here on Earth. It was as if she KNEW, all along... ("Mom!! Don't make me get tough with you. You are going to NEED my hugs in the coming months! I promised I'd take care of you, and I plan to!")
Elisa is the SWEETEST cuddler I could ever imagine. She scoots over next to me, leans her cheek against mine, wraps one little arm tightly around my neck, and twirls a piece of my hair. With her other hand, she also rubs my back, or sometimes my head. And then she falls right to sleep! In the morning she scoots back over to me, looks right into my eyes with a big grin, and wiggles her way in for some more cuddle time. It is unbelievably precious, and I just can't tell you what a gift it is!
Play(Pray) Group in Heaven
I have been thinking a lot, lately, about all the little babies I know who are in Heaven right now. I am thinking of babies/children that passed away after just a short life on Earth, or who were miscarried in the womb. (I know it's quite a group, even the babies I'm aware of!) Jesus said, "Let the Little Children Come to Me," and so I think He must have chosen these Little Ones to come and enjoy Heaven right away. I don't know why they are/were chosen, but I assume they must be very special to be so.
It kind of makes me happy to picture a big, wonderful group of Little Ones, to help welcome our baby Joesph into Heaven when his time comes. (I wonder if they will know their parents are friends/family on Earth? I don't know, but I imagine they will!)
Anyhow, I have been finding it very comforting to ask for the prayers of these "Little Ones in Heaven," for our family, and also for Baby Joseph in my womb. I would like to address them by name, but I don't necessarily know all of their names. Anyways, here is my prayer...
"Dear sweet little Mariana, Juanito, Dominic, Elizabeth Robert, Aaron, Taylor, Ashley, Jack, Jill, Gabriel, Erin/Aaron, Rebecca, Peter, Lily Gianna, Francisco, Gianna, John Mary, Elliot, Lyla, Mason, Vivian, Gianna, Joey L, and all the Little Ones in Heaven... please pray for our family and for our little Baby Joseph. Please help to welcome him into Heaven with open arms, and please ask Jesus to give our family the grace and peace to let him go. Please pray for all who are reading this blog, and please ask Jesus to answer their intentions."
(Ps- If you would like me to add the name of your little one/s to my prayer, just let me know in the comment section below. God bless all of you!)
It kind of makes me happy to picture a big, wonderful group of Little Ones, to help welcome our baby Joesph into Heaven when his time comes. (I wonder if they will know their parents are friends/family on Earth? I don't know, but I imagine they will!)
Anyhow, I have been finding it very comforting to ask for the prayers of these "Little Ones in Heaven," for our family, and also for Baby Joseph in my womb. I would like to address them by name, but I don't necessarily know all of their names. Anyways, here is my prayer...
"Dear sweet little Mariana, Juanito, Dominic, Elizabeth Robert, Aaron, Taylor, Ashley, Jack, Jill, Gabriel, Erin/Aaron, Rebecca, Peter, Lily Gianna, Francisco, Gianna, John Mary, Elliot, Lyla, Mason, Vivian, Gianna, Joey L, and all the Little Ones in Heaven... please pray for our family and for our little Baby Joseph. Please help to welcome him into Heaven with open arms, and please ask Jesus to give our family the grace and peace to let him go. Please pray for all who are reading this blog, and please ask Jesus to answer their intentions."
(Ps- If you would like me to add the name of your little one/s to my prayer, just let me know in the comment section below. God bless all of you!)
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Alive and Kicking =)
Week 24- Baby Joey is definitely making himself known! Wow. He is kicking more than I ever remember with my first- and kicking HARD too! I'd say, I feel him dozens of times/day or more! If I lie down to rest, I feel him most- thump, thump, thump. Daddy says hi to him, and Elisa blows him raspberries.. (Really; it's so cute!!)
In addition to making himself know, he is also showing a bit of feisty little personality. =) Last Friday, I was visiting my sister (who has 10-week old twins) and holding her little baby boy. It was wonderful to cuddle with him, and he fell sound asleep in my arms for a good hour, I think. During this time, Baby Joseph must've caught wind that I was holding another baby, and he started the most ferocious kicking yet! He was kicking, and kicking, and kicking.. so hard I could visibly see my stomach rise and fall where he kicked!
(Apparently, my sister has heard, that a baby can sense when his mama is holding another baby and gets jealous! If that's the case, then Baby Joey is very protective of his own mommy, because it sure seemed like he was trying to kick my little nephew right off the couch!)
In addition to making himself know, he is also showing a bit of feisty little personality. =) Last Friday, I was visiting my sister (who has 10-week old twins) and holding her little baby boy. It was wonderful to cuddle with him, and he fell sound asleep in my arms for a good hour, I think. During this time, Baby Joseph must've caught wind that I was holding another baby, and he started the most ferocious kicking yet! He was kicking, and kicking, and kicking.. so hard I could visibly see my stomach rise and fall where he kicked!
(Apparently, my sister has heard, that a baby can sense when his mama is holding another baby and gets jealous! If that's the case, then Baby Joey is very protective of his own mommy, because it sure seemed like he was trying to kick my little nephew right off the couch!)
Sunday, August 19, 2012
How Are We Doing?
So many people have been asking, "How are you doing?" so I felt it necessary to write this post. Well, we're extremely sad, but we have some peace knowing that this baby belongs to God and not us.
We've been trying to stay pretty busy, which makes it much easier not to dwell on sad thoughts. Busy days are really good days. We've been having a lot of good days recently. Just since Joey's diagnosis (18 days ago), we've been to Cosi in Columbus, the Children's Museum in Cincinnati, had dinner out with friends, thrown a wedding shower, taken Elisa to the movies, been to multiple parties, hiked at Clifton Gorge, biked on the Loveland bike trail, went to a Red's game and Mercy Me concert, and visited with many friends and family, (not to mention lots of visits to Mass and Adoration)! We are trying to make as many family memories as we can while Joey is with us.
The difficult days are when I don't have as much to do, but plenty of time to think. It's also hard when people ask how I'm doing, or express their sympathy. (It's sooo sweet, but starts the emotions going all over again! Sigh.) Phone calls are also good and bad... I feel very loved, but it's so hard to talk about it each time. Phone call days are the equivalent of cry-all-day days.
If you want to know if there's anything you can do.. (we could definitely use the prayers), but secondly, if you have something fun and/or adventurous to do, please don't hesitate to invite us! =) We're also don't feel bad to see other people's babies... if fact, our situation makes me want to hug them even more!
We've been trying to stay pretty busy, which makes it much easier not to dwell on sad thoughts. Busy days are really good days. We've been having a lot of good days recently. Just since Joey's diagnosis (18 days ago), we've been to Cosi in Columbus, the Children's Museum in Cincinnati, had dinner out with friends, thrown a wedding shower, taken Elisa to the movies, been to multiple parties, hiked at Clifton Gorge, biked on the Loveland bike trail, went to a Red's game and Mercy Me concert, and visited with many friends and family, (not to mention lots of visits to Mass and Adoration)! We are trying to make as many family memories as we can while Joey is with us.
The difficult days are when I don't have as much to do, but plenty of time to think. It's also hard when people ask how I'm doing, or express their sympathy. (It's sooo sweet, but starts the emotions going all over again! Sigh.) Phone calls are also good and bad... I feel very loved, but it's so hard to talk about it each time. Phone call days are the equivalent of cry-all-day days.
If you want to know if there's anything you can do.. (we could definitely use the prayers), but secondly, if you have something fun and/or adventurous to do, please don't hesitate to invite us! =) We're also don't feel bad to see other people's babies... if fact, our situation makes me want to hug them even more!
Prayer Requests & Fulton Sheen
We are so very grateful for everyone out there praying for us and our baby Joseph! We know there are so many people. Some of you have asked if we have specific prayer requests, and we do have several.
1. Praying for a Miracle? Well, we certainly aren't opposed to a miracle, and we aren't opposed to praying for one, but we're also not expecting a miracle. That being said, we figured it would at least be worth a try... collectively asking a "most-likely-to-be-saint" for his intercession, just in case God wants to reveal His glory in this way. The suggestion is that we all pray for the intercession of Blessed Fulton Sheen. (Apparently, there is one miracle attributed to him already under investigation, involving a stillborn baby who was revived after an hour, and who seems to have no brain damage, etc.) So, Fulton Sheen seems a good fit for miracles with babies!
2. Not stillborn...=( Secondly, we would like to ask your prayers for smaller details as well. We are extremely eager to meet this baby, to be able to hug and hold him while he's alive in this world, even though we know it will be for just a short time. Apparently, there is a strong chance of having the baby stillborn in our case; so, we ask you to pray, if it's God's will, that we can at least meet him in this world for a short time.
3. Safe Delivery. Thirdly, we ask your prayers for a safe and healthy delivery. I'm feeling plenty of anxiety about labor and delivery with this baby, thinking about all the stress and emotions that will be part of it, (not to mention the physical difficulty), and not to mention thinking about everything that could possibly go wrong! So, we ask for your prayers for a safe and healthy delivery for everyone involved.
4. Parental Sanity? Fourthly, we ask you to pray for us, baby Joseph's parents, that we have the courage and fortitude to face the events ahead. We feel that baby Joseph is in God's hands, and we're the ones who are going to be needing most of the prayers!
1. Praying for a Miracle? Well, we certainly aren't opposed to a miracle, and we aren't opposed to praying for one, but we're also not expecting a miracle. That being said, we figured it would at least be worth a try... collectively asking a "most-likely-to-be-saint" for his intercession, just in case God wants to reveal His glory in this way. The suggestion is that we all pray for the intercession of Blessed Fulton Sheen. (Apparently, there is one miracle attributed to him already under investigation, involving a stillborn baby who was revived after an hour, and who seems to have no brain damage, etc.) So, Fulton Sheen seems a good fit for miracles with babies!
2. Not stillborn...=( Secondly, we would like to ask your prayers for smaller details as well. We are extremely eager to meet this baby, to be able to hug and hold him while he's alive in this world, even though we know it will be for just a short time. Apparently, there is a strong chance of having the baby stillborn in our case; so, we ask you to pray, if it's God's will, that we can at least meet him in this world for a short time.
3. Safe Delivery. Thirdly, we ask your prayers for a safe and healthy delivery. I'm feeling plenty of anxiety about labor and delivery with this baby, thinking about all the stress and emotions that will be part of it, (not to mention the physical difficulty), and not to mention thinking about everything that could possibly go wrong! So, we ask for your prayers for a safe and healthy delivery for everyone involved.
4. Parental Sanity? Fourthly, we ask you to pray for us, baby Joseph's parents, that we have the courage and fortitude to face the events ahead. We feel that baby Joseph is in God's hands, and we're the ones who are going to be needing most of the prayers!
Friday, August 17, 2012
Naming the Baby- Joseph Matthew
It didn't take us long to give our sweet baby boy a name. (With our first, we wanted to be surprised, and were truly surprised when she came out a girl! Wow!) But, with this baby, we were going to have to make the most of the time we had, and he definitely needed a name, asap. We were soooo thankful to know he was a boy.
We had a special name picked out already, and tested it out to see if it still fit-- Joseph Matthew. This baby is due near Christmas (which Joseph seemed very fitting), and we believe that he will soon be caring for our family from heaven (again fitting for Joseph), and since he's going to be our firstborn son (Matthew, his dad's name, seemed fitting too!)
When we looked up the meanings, we were even more convinced...
Joseph- means "God will increase"
Matthew- means "Gift from God"
How perfect. We really feel that, somehow, God will be glorified through this baby's little life. We also feel that, no matter what, this little baby is a gift to us! We hope that the little faith we have will be strengthened, and also that graces will be even more abundant because our baby existed, and was loved to the end. One little life was created out of nothing, and who is going to exist now for all of eternity.
Thank you, Jesus, for sending little Joseph Matthew into our lives, and please give us the grace to love him as best as possible. Mother Mary, please intercede on our behalf and make up for what is lacking in our ability to love little Joseph Matthew perfectly.
We had a special name picked out already, and tested it out to see if it still fit-- Joseph Matthew. This baby is due near Christmas (which Joseph seemed very fitting), and we believe that he will soon be caring for our family from heaven (again fitting for Joseph), and since he's going to be our firstborn son (Matthew, his dad's name, seemed fitting too!)
When we looked up the meanings, we were even more convinced...
Joseph- means "God will increase"
Matthew- means "Gift from God"
How perfect. We really feel that, somehow, God will be glorified through this baby's little life. We also feel that, no matter what, this little baby is a gift to us! We hope that the little faith we have will be strengthened, and also that graces will be even more abundant because our baby existed, and was loved to the end. One little life was created out of nothing, and who is going to exist now for all of eternity.
Thank you, Jesus, for sending little Joseph Matthew into our lives, and please give us the grace to love him as best as possible. Mother Mary, please intercede on our behalf and make up for what is lacking in our ability to love little Joseph Matthew perfectly.
Day 3- Feeling the Graces
By the third day we were able to think a little bit more clearly about the situation. We had begun telling some of our friends and family, so phone calls and e-mails were pouring in. It was really difficult to relay the story over and over again (amidst numerous tears!), but it was also somewhat healing. Saying it aloud made it seem more real, and brought forth a new gush of tears each time, but somehow, saying it so many times made it seem more endurable as well.
By this time, there were scores of people praying for us, and we could definitely feel the graces. The strongest feeling, (amidst the sadness about our own loss), was the feeling of peace about this baby's role in the world. We definitely felt (and feel) that this baby is here for some reason, and for whatever reason his life is intended to be short, God has a purpose for him. Matt and I were both overcome with a strong peacefulness about it all. If God wants to take this baby to heaven right away, who are we to say no? We feel incredibly honored to be the parents of a soon-to-be SAINT. (Imagine how awesome it would be to be the parents of St. Therese, St. Augustine (how difficult too!), St. Thomas More, etc. etc.) Plus, having a child-saint sure seems like it would be a great help in our own cause for heaven... if we have a child up there interceding on our behalf to get there too!
By this time, there were scores of people praying for us, and we could definitely feel the graces. The strongest feeling, (amidst the sadness about our own loss), was the feeling of peace about this baby's role in the world. We definitely felt (and feel) that this baby is here for some reason, and for whatever reason his life is intended to be short, God has a purpose for him. Matt and I were both overcome with a strong peacefulness about it all. If God wants to take this baby to heaven right away, who are we to say no? We feel incredibly honored to be the parents of a soon-to-be SAINT. (Imagine how awesome it would be to be the parents of St. Therese, St. Augustine (how difficult too!), St. Thomas More, etc. etc.) Plus, having a child-saint sure seems like it would be a great help in our own cause for heaven... if we have a child up there interceding on our behalf to get there too!
Day 2- OB & Escaping
The next day, after learning about our baby's diagnosis of anencephaly, Matt took the day off work to be with me and Elisa. Our regular OB doctor, Dr. Horlacher, had called us the night before and said he'd be in the office all day if we wanted to talk. We didn't have to make an appointment, and the nurses brought us right into his office the minute we arrived. Dr. Horlacher was incredibly caring and supportive. He talked to us for a good 45 minutes, grieved with us, prayed with us, and also encouraged us in the decision to carry our baby to term. It was a very sad and teary meeting, but we couldn't have asked for a more supportive doctor. We left the meeting with many of our questions answered, and felt we couldn't be in better hands.
After our meeting with Dr. Horlacher, Matt and I got back in the car and the tears just started gushing from every direction. The details of what we would be going through were starting to really sink in! We decided we needed to get out of town, go somewhere, do something completely distracting... take our minds off the subject for a while. So, randomly, we decided we'd go to Cosi in Columbus (since we had a free museum pass this year) and at least do something other than cry all day. We put in a rosary CD on the way, but alas, it was the joyful mysteries! So, we blubbered on and on the whole way.
By the time we got to Columbus, ate lunch, and made it to Cosi, we were doing much better. Cosi was the perfect distraction. Lots of commotion and things to look at and think about, other than our poor baby! We spent a very nice family day there, and then spent the evening with dear friends. It turned out to be a very blessed day.
After our meeting with Dr. Horlacher, Matt and I got back in the car and the tears just started gushing from every direction. The details of what we would be going through were starting to really sink in! We decided we needed to get out of town, go somewhere, do something completely distracting... take our minds off the subject for a while. So, randomly, we decided we'd go to Cosi in Columbus (since we had a free museum pass this year) and at least do something other than cry all day. We put in a rosary CD on the way, but alas, it was the joyful mysteries! So, we blubbered on and on the whole way.
By the time we got to Columbus, ate lunch, and made it to Cosi, we were doing much better. Cosi was the perfect distraction. Lots of commotion and things to look at and think about, other than our poor baby! We spent a very nice family day there, and then spent the evening with dear friends. It turned out to be a very blessed day.
The Sad News
I discovered that I was pregnant with our second baby on April 11, 2012- my husband's birthday! We were happy but also surprised. Our first child was 11 months old at the time. (I was a bit distraught about the thought of going through another pregnancy right then. I felt I'd hardly recovered from the first one!)
Nevertheless, we were thrilled at the thought of having another BABY to love and care for! We had been overjoyed with loving our first child, and we couldn't wait for another one to love! We were definitely hoping for a large family, despite the fact that we married a bit later in life. So, in spite of my reluctance to go through pregnancy again, we felt the timing was perfect for another baby.
The first time that I felt something could be wrong with the baby growing inside my womb was in my dreams. I would awake, often, in the middle of a scenario where my baby was dying soon after childbirth. I found myself frequently wondering, and worrying- what would I do if this actually happened to me?!
I was already worried about miscarriage, as I'd been diagnosed with significant low progesterone and was taking shots to hopefully avoid it. We had a big scare with our first child around 8 weeks, and so I was overjoyed to get past 8 weeks, and then 12 weeks! Every day, every week, felt like a milestone to rejoice over.
At around 14 weeks I began to feel little fluttering feelings inside my abdomen- which I thought for sure was the baby moving! It was so much like my first, although I hadn't felt her movements until months later! I also had my first OB appt. that week. I breathed a sigh of relief when I got to hear the baby's heartbeat! I told the nurse I'd been having dreams that something was wrong, and I was so glad everything sounded ok. She smiled and assured me all was well.
Even though feeling the movement and hearing the baby's heartbeat were incredibly comforting, the dreams continued. Years back, I had known a family who had a child with anencephaly, and had also learned about it during an embryology class in college. This specifically came up in my dreams, as well. The dreams made me sad and worried, but having been pregnant before, (and knowing pregnancy dreams can be crazy!) I tried not to worry tooo much about them. I was very, very eager, however, to get to my ultrasound at 20 weeks, so I could learn once and for all that everything was truly ok!
I had requested my sister-in-law to perform the ultrasound as she's an advanced ultrasound specialist, and I knew she would do such a thorough job that we could relieve my fears once and for all.
We went in for the ultrasound on Aug. 1st, 2012. My husband, Matt, took the afternoon off work and came with me. I remember feeling great apprehension, practically nauseated, while sitting in the waiting room. By the time we got back to the ultrasound room and got started, however, I had forgotten all about my worries! Right away we saw the baby's heart beating, a perfectly formed spine, 2 kidneys, 2 little hands folded together, 2 wiggly feet kicking up a storm, got to see the stomach and leg bone measured and learning that this baby will most likely be tall... and everything seemed ok! There were only two features we hadn't seen yet (the genitals- we had wanted to be surprised!), and the head. (Thinking back, I can't believe I failed to realize this, as the head is the most obviously thing you see in an ultrasound!)
Anyhow, after all that, my sister-in-law finally panned to the baby's head and showed us the bad news. She froze the screen on the baby's face and we could just see the outline above the baby's eyes, but not the big forehead (like we saw with our first baby). She said she had to go and get a doctor now.
Matt and I sat there, tears welling up in our eyes, and stared at the screen. I was dumbfounded... I knew exactly what it meant... and I couldn't believe it. The baby's brain had never developed (all the way back in week 5 or 6) and it never would. The baby couldn't survive outside the womb- a missing brain is incompatible with life, as the medical term states it. The good heartbeat, all the fluttering and kicking I'd felt, didn't mean the baby was ok after all. The dreams were REAL. The dreams were really about ME and THIS BABY!!
Matt didn't instantly know what it all meant, but knew it was obviously bad news. The doctor came back and rattled off some explanations about anencephaly, but I didn't even hear him. I just still couldn't believe the dreams were true. (I don't think I'd ever had a real dream in my life before.) How was I possibly going to handle dealing with this situation??
The ultrasound doctor told us we had options... we could induce early (like next week!) and then we wouldn't have to go through the rest of the pregnancy. We were told we could think about it and our OB doctor would call us the next day. My sister-in-law gave us hugs and cried with us a little, and told us we were having a boy! (We definitely wanted to know the gender now, considering the situation.) She then led us out the back door so we didn't have to walk through the waiting room sobbing. We started thinking about our options.
Option 1- Not going through the rest of pregnancy sounded like a GREAT option... for a few seconds. I thought of how much easier it would be physically- not dealing with third trimester heartburn, pregnancy belly and backaches, lack of sleep, carpal tunnel, headaches without pain relievers, well-wishers congratulations, and consoling friends tears, and especially labor and delivery! We could meet the baby, (albeit he would still be very little), and work through the grief now rather than postponing it for 4 months. I could get back to normal life (and body) sooner than later, and maybe even get in some skiing this winter season too. I wasn't expecting that.
After a few seconds, though, other realities and questions started sinking in. How would I handle an early induction psychologically? How could I ever do it, knowing that I would be purposely ending my baby's life that day?? How could I live with myself after that? Besides, why would the doctor recommend inducing at this time- 21 weeks- before a healthy baby is even viable?? Hmmm.. wait a second!
Option 2- If I just do nothing, my baby will continue to live inside of me, wiggling and kicking and growing. I will forever know that I loved this baby and cared for him, as best I could, and I wouldn't have to live with the grief of purposely ending his little life. I would get to meet him and hold him, even if it was for a very short time. I could certainly still love him inside my womb, until God calls him to heaven.
I thought to myself- "If my firstborn, Elisa, was diagnosed with a terminal illness and had only 4 months to live... would I ask the doctors to end her life right now, or would I love and cherish every moment until God called her home?"
Thinking of it that way, the answer was pretty much a no-brainer. (No pun intended... sigh.) We didn't have to think about it anymore. It was obvious it wasn't a choice at all. I was incredibly sad and discouraged having to be in this position, but the only possible choice we could live with is to just love this baby as long as we can.
When we got back home, I looked up to see if there was some Catholic teaching on the subject of very early induction, just out of curiosity, and I came across this article which reaffirmed my concerns about it: http://www.ewtn.com/library/PROLIFE/bcdanen1.htm
I also came across the website Prenatal Partners for Life in which I read the most BEAUTIFUL articles of other parents who went through the same diagnosis! They were full of hope and love, and not one couple regretted their decision to carry their baby to term. The stories were so encouraging and faith-filled; it was an absolute God-send to read them! (Ps- you might want to have a box of tissues handy if you decide to take a look!) http://www.prenatalpartnersforlife.org/Stories/AnencephalyStoriesIndex.htm
Nevertheless, we were thrilled at the thought of having another BABY to love and care for! We had been overjoyed with loving our first child, and we couldn't wait for another one to love! We were definitely hoping for a large family, despite the fact that we married a bit later in life. So, in spite of my reluctance to go through pregnancy again, we felt the timing was perfect for another baby.
The first time that I felt something could be wrong with the baby growing inside my womb was in my dreams. I would awake, often, in the middle of a scenario where my baby was dying soon after childbirth. I found myself frequently wondering, and worrying- what would I do if this actually happened to me?!
I was already worried about miscarriage, as I'd been diagnosed with significant low progesterone and was taking shots to hopefully avoid it. We had a big scare with our first child around 8 weeks, and so I was overjoyed to get past 8 weeks, and then 12 weeks! Every day, every week, felt like a milestone to rejoice over.
At around 14 weeks I began to feel little fluttering feelings inside my abdomen- which I thought for sure was the baby moving! It was so much like my first, although I hadn't felt her movements until months later! I also had my first OB appt. that week. I breathed a sigh of relief when I got to hear the baby's heartbeat! I told the nurse I'd been having dreams that something was wrong, and I was so glad everything sounded ok. She smiled and assured me all was well.
Even though feeling the movement and hearing the baby's heartbeat were incredibly comforting, the dreams continued. Years back, I had known a family who had a child with anencephaly, and had also learned about it during an embryology class in college. This specifically came up in my dreams, as well. The dreams made me sad and worried, but having been pregnant before, (and knowing pregnancy dreams can be crazy!) I tried not to worry tooo much about them. I was very, very eager, however, to get to my ultrasound at 20 weeks, so I could learn once and for all that everything was truly ok!
I had requested my sister-in-law to perform the ultrasound as she's an advanced ultrasound specialist, and I knew she would do such a thorough job that we could relieve my fears once and for all.
We went in for the ultrasound on Aug. 1st, 2012. My husband, Matt, took the afternoon off work and came with me. I remember feeling great apprehension, practically nauseated, while sitting in the waiting room. By the time we got back to the ultrasound room and got started, however, I had forgotten all about my worries! Right away we saw the baby's heart beating, a perfectly formed spine, 2 kidneys, 2 little hands folded together, 2 wiggly feet kicking up a storm, got to see the stomach and leg bone measured and learning that this baby will most likely be tall... and everything seemed ok! There were only two features we hadn't seen yet (the genitals- we had wanted to be surprised!), and the head. (Thinking back, I can't believe I failed to realize this, as the head is the most obviously thing you see in an ultrasound!)
Anyhow, after all that, my sister-in-law finally panned to the baby's head and showed us the bad news. She froze the screen on the baby's face and we could just see the outline above the baby's eyes, but not the big forehead (like we saw with our first baby). She said she had to go and get a doctor now.
Matt and I sat there, tears welling up in our eyes, and stared at the screen. I was dumbfounded... I knew exactly what it meant... and I couldn't believe it. The baby's brain had never developed (all the way back in week 5 or 6) and it never would. The baby couldn't survive outside the womb- a missing brain is incompatible with life, as the medical term states it. The good heartbeat, all the fluttering and kicking I'd felt, didn't mean the baby was ok after all. The dreams were REAL. The dreams were really about ME and THIS BABY!!
Matt didn't instantly know what it all meant, but knew it was obviously bad news. The doctor came back and rattled off some explanations about anencephaly, but I didn't even hear him. I just still couldn't believe the dreams were true. (I don't think I'd ever had a real dream in my life before.) How was I possibly going to handle dealing with this situation??
The ultrasound doctor told us we had options... we could induce early (like next week!) and then we wouldn't have to go through the rest of the pregnancy. We were told we could think about it and our OB doctor would call us the next day. My sister-in-law gave us hugs and cried with us a little, and told us we were having a boy! (We definitely wanted to know the gender now, considering the situation.) She then led us out the back door so we didn't have to walk through the waiting room sobbing. We started thinking about our options.
Option 1- Not going through the rest of pregnancy sounded like a GREAT option... for a few seconds. I thought of how much easier it would be physically- not dealing with third trimester heartburn, pregnancy belly and backaches, lack of sleep, carpal tunnel, headaches without pain relievers, well-wishers congratulations, and consoling friends tears, and especially labor and delivery! We could meet the baby, (albeit he would still be very little), and work through the grief now rather than postponing it for 4 months. I could get back to normal life (and body) sooner than later, and maybe even get in some skiing this winter season too. I wasn't expecting that.
After a few seconds, though, other realities and questions started sinking in. How would I handle an early induction psychologically? How could I ever do it, knowing that I would be purposely ending my baby's life that day?? How could I live with myself after that? Besides, why would the doctor recommend inducing at this time- 21 weeks- before a healthy baby is even viable?? Hmmm.. wait a second!
Option 2- If I just do nothing, my baby will continue to live inside of me, wiggling and kicking and growing. I will forever know that I loved this baby and cared for him, as best I could, and I wouldn't have to live with the grief of purposely ending his little life. I would get to meet him and hold him, even if it was for a very short time. I could certainly still love him inside my womb, until God calls him to heaven.
I thought to myself- "If my firstborn, Elisa, was diagnosed with a terminal illness and had only 4 months to live... would I ask the doctors to end her life right now, or would I love and cherish every moment until God called her home?"
Thinking of it that way, the answer was pretty much a no-brainer. (No pun intended... sigh.) We didn't have to think about it anymore. It was obvious it wasn't a choice at all. I was incredibly sad and discouraged having to be in this position, but the only possible choice we could live with is to just love this baby as long as we can.
When we got back home, I looked up to see if there was some Catholic teaching on the subject of very early induction, just out of curiosity, and I came across this article which reaffirmed my concerns about it: http://www.ewtn.com/library/PROLIFE/bcdanen1.htm
I also came across the website Prenatal Partners for Life in which I read the most BEAUTIFUL articles of other parents who went through the same diagnosis! They were full of hope and love, and not one couple regretted their decision to carry their baby to term. The stories were so encouraging and faith-filled; it was an absolute God-send to read them! (Ps- you might want to have a box of tissues handy if you decide to take a look!) http://www.prenatalpartnersforlife.org/Stories/AnencephalyStoriesIndex.htm
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