Courage and Closure

Lord, Grant me the Courage...

I started this blog with the thought of being able to document some memories of Joey's life, as well as being able to share his diagnosis with close friends and family. It was much easier to do in writing than in person (seeing as I would burst into tears before words actually came out).  Secondly, I was so grateful for other moms who shared their stories with me, I felt it was only right to share Joey's special life as well.

One day on a whim, I decided to made this blog public, and now it's a little overwhelming-- but kind of a courage-challenge too.  The thought of sharing the deepest parts of my heart with the whole possible world is... wow.  Vertigo.  I have to say, I'm not used to doing this.  So that's why it takes me a really long time in-between posts.  Basically, I have to muster up the courage to share a little more.  And find the words to do so.

How Are We Doing?

I know people are wondering, how are we doing?  It will be 6 weeks, tomorrow, since Joey's birth.  It feels like ages ago and yesterday, at the same time.

The overwhelming feeling that I still have, after experiencing the birth and death of my firstborn son in a day, is AWE.  I am is total awe of the gift that his life was/is to our family, and even to those around us.

Transforming Motherhood

The day that I gave birth to my daughter, Elisa, I was transformed-- into a mother.  I'm pretty sure most mothers feel this way.  It was a change that touched the core of my being, and (I think) it was basically instant.  It changed my life completely.  (I'm not sure it's the same experience with fathers.. but that's a thought to ponder later!)

Anyhow, in a similar way, I experienced the same kind of instant transformation when I became a spiritual mother.  Knowing that my son is in Heaven, praying and rooting for me, is... INCREDIBLE.  It's a gift beyond words.  I can just picture my little Joey saying to the other saints, and to Mary, "Hey, that's my mom!  You've got to help me get her up here too!"  Wow.

The Ups

At the same time, I've had some ups and downs in the past few weeks as well.  The birth of Joey was actually such a spiritual high, strange as that sounds, that we were riding on a total high for a couple of weeks.  It was the most amazing feeling, the closest I've ever felt to God in my life.  And I was really, really grateful for that gift. (The next closest was when I experienced the incorrupt body of St. Bernadette in person, and/or all night Adoration sessions at the Kartause, in Gaming Austria =)

The spiritual high continues when I experience and focus on what I've gained from being Joey's mother- the gifts- joy, grace, peace, a direct link to Heaven, a deeper experience of the meaning of life and suffering, a catalyst for allowing my own heart to grow closer to God, etc.

And the Downs

The Downs happen when I start focusing on what I don't have-- a baby in my arms to hug and hold, a little brother for Elisa to love and pick on, even a pregnancy to complain about anymore!  Unexpected encounters  with people, and explanations can be really difficult.  Some days I feel like a rock (and surprise myself), and other days I find myself melting like a baby.  (I am soooo thankful, by the way, when people give me a heads-up that they know, like, "Hey I've been praying for you." Then I don't have to explain to someone in a state of shock!) Sometimes I just hear a song on the radio... I'll Be Home for Christmas, All I Want for Christmas is You, Mary Did You Know... and burst into tears.

Closure has been the most difficult of all.  In all seriousness, I really feel like Joey's spirit is closer to me, now, than even when I was pregnant.  So it's really strange coming to grips with closure.  The hardest moments with Joey were not when his heartbeat disappeared, but when we handed him over to the funeral director, and said goodbye to his little body, at the funeral and at the cemetery.  Since then, the hardest days have been when I cleaned up the house and put away many of Joey's little things, when I put away my pregnancy clothes (which was awesome, but really sad at the same time), when I went to Mass alone one day (Elisa was sick) and I had flashbacks of Joey's funeral the whole time, when I've attempted to write thank-you cards (which remind me that Joey's really not here with us), etc.    

The Gaping-Heart Wound 

Another thing that I've experienced in the aftermath is that my heart is so full of love for Joey, but since he's not here to receive it, it's just flowing away from me, from a big gaping hole in my heart.  It's tempting to hide it, or bottle it up, which I admit I feel like doing sometimes.  But other times, when I have the courage to direct it towards someone else, it's been a really beautiful experience.  I can see why God put it there, even if I can't give it to Joey.  (Maybe even especially so, since I can share it with people I normally would have never thought to.)

I went on a retreat the week right after Joey's funeral, and one thing affected me profoundly.  In the women's talk, the priest (Fr. Nathan) spoke of allowing your heart to be pierced in the way that Mary's heart was pierced, at the foot of the cross.  At that moment, at the foot of the cross, when Mary was giving her son back to the Father and her heart was pierced the deepest, Jesus gave her to John.  At that moment, she became the "Mother of the Church", and Jesus asked her to love John, (and then others as well), with the love she had in her heart for Jesus.

Wow. wow.. I thought-- ohmigosh-- that's me, too (in a much less profound way).  I gave my son back to the Father, and now my heart is overflowing with love to give to someone.  Wow. Need to think on that one some more.                                            
        
Happy 6 weeks in Heaven, Baby Joey!!  xoxoxoxo
Don't forget to pray for our family and all our friends!