One thing that I was determined about after Joey's diagnosis, was that I was not going to run away from other babies, no matter how emotional it was going to be! I love babies, and I didn't want to spend the next-- who knows how long-- running away and hiding from them.
There was one person, in particular, who was a great inspiration to me in making this decision. She and I were due just several days apart when I was expecting Elisa. I almost miscarried at 8 weeks, but then she did miscarry at 10 weeks. I was so heartbroken for her, and I didn't know how she could ever face my daughter, knowing the loss that she suffered. Well, not only did she love my daughter, but she threw me a baby shower, and even suffered a series of miscarriages (that I didn't know about), while I was expecting Elisa. Her strength and courage to face the situation was so admirable, that I knew I had to try and follow her example.
So-- facing other babies is what I've been determined to do. After Joey's diagnosis, I purposely spent time with as many babies as I could find, hugging and loving them as deeply as I could. My younger sister had baby twins this summer, and I spent many days visiting their family, and just finding comfort in loving those babies.
Fast forward to after Joey's funeral. Seems that everyone I know is either having, just had, or trying to have another baby! In the grocery, at the park, in every pew at Church, etc., it seems that every young family has a new baby, and for some reason they all seem to be boys right about Joey's age. Wow. Thank goodness I've decided not to run away from them all, but it can be pretty intense to face as well.
At Thanksgiving, Matt's cousin (who we rarely see, if ever) came and brought their 5 week old baby boy with them. (I didn't even know they were expecting, let alone had a baby almost exactly Joey's age!) Gulp- It took my breath away for a minute. But I was determined to face those emotions so, instead, I asked to hold their baby and share some love with him for a few minutes. It was tough, but a really worthwhile experience. At Mass, on another day, we ran into a friend who had a baby boy 2 days before Joey. Gulp- same thing, and I asked to give him some hugs as well.
Finally, last Thursday, the most intense experience happened. A new couple came to the young adult group that we're part of, and brought their little baby boy. Apparently they had come a long time ago, but not any time recently. I found myself sneaking glances at the little baby and thinking that he was, most likely, pretty close to Joey's age as well. I thought about asking to hold him, but something made me hesitate and almost run away. He was smaller than the other babies I'd run into, and therefore reminded me even more of Joey, and choked me up quite a bit. Well, after the meeting... I can't even remember the details exactly... but somehow we started a little conversation and I was considering asking to hold their baby. For some reason, this baby was harder to face than any baby yet. I started to say that I had a little baby a few weeks ago, too, but then the other mom burst into tears first! She said that she knew, she had read my blog, and that her son was born on the exact same day, just a couple hours sooner! Then of course, I burst into tears, and we both cried together for several minutes, realizing the intensity of the situation. She was so heartbroken for me, and we both felt the deepest connection even though we barely knew each other. Finally, I got to hold her baby, little Andrew, and I just cried and cried.
It was a good cry, but I just can't describe how intense this meeting with baby Andrew was. I had been thinking that, although I feel so close to Joey's spirit, I desperately miss the ability to hug and hold him in person. Just the day before, the song came on the radio, All I want for Christmas is You, and I cried all the way to my destination. I just wanted to re-live Joey's birthday all over again, hugging and holding him all day long.
In meeting baby Andrew, however, it was like Joey was saying, "Here I am, mom! =) You can give me some hugs in baby Andrew!"
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