I know it's been a few weeks since my last blog post. I started this one a while ago but, for some reason, I've had a terrible time finishing it. Words are just inadequate.
How are we doing in the aftermath of baby Joey's birth and death? Surprisingly..... Wonderful. Joyful. Grateful. In Awe, (at the mystery of life and love). I want to shout it from the rooftops; I can't believe God's goodness to us. In the short moments of Joey's little life, I discovered that having a baby with anencephaly wasn't a curse at all; it was a gift. Joey didn't really need us (i.e. his little life was already destined for Heaven), but we sure needed him. And now we're forever changed.
I know that I couldn't believe it... I didn't believe it... when I read so many stories of moms in similar circumstances, and how they would not trade this experience for anything in the world. The stories of joy, hope, consolation, the gift of life that the child brought to the mother, were positively incredible. I didn't think it was possible to find so much joy and peace in this difficult situation, in the midst of intense suffering and loss.
And yet, here I am, and now I'm starting to get it. These past few weeks have been incredible-- absolutely, positively, life-changing. (I feel as if I've gained a hundred years in wisdom and understanding, about the meaning of life.) I, too, can now say that I wouldn't trade this experience for anything in the world. I feel so immensely blessed that I was chosen to be little Joey's mom. From the time of diagnosis, I knew I was embracing a cross, and all I could see before me were the tears and suffering involved. I knew that I had a burden to bear, but I had no idea it was going to turn into the most incredible gift, and possibly the best experience of my life.
In the bigger picture of life, I know that I really couldn't, (and didn't), do that much for little Joey. True, I chose to face some "avoidable" suffering, in order to continue the pregnancy and give birth. At times, it was so hard. I was uncomfortable, discouraged, heartbroken. But, what I've gained from the experience is unreal, an immense gift, and made it worthwhile 100 times over. I allowed love to triumph. It didn't change Joey; it changed me.
And that's all the words I have. I will try to elaborate in future posts, but for now, I just feel gratitude for the chance to share in Joey's little life. Thank you, Jesus, for the gift of little Joey shared with our family!
To Joey, I want to say, "Happy 3 weeks in Heaven, little man! =) We love you and miss you very much. Don't forget to pray for mommy, daddy, Elisa, and all our friends!"
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