How was our Christmas? Well... it was definitely sad at times. My due date was Dec. 20th, so it didn't escape me that, had circumstances been different, I'd be holding a newborn for Christmas. Sigh.
At the same time, however, it wasn't a sadness of despair or completely overwhelming, but perhaps the kind of sadness that comes with all change-- when life moves slowly along. I imagine it's akin to the sadness that any mother feels when her baby goes to kindergarten for the first time, or off to college, or down the aisle on their wedding day. The sadness that I felt was in realizing that Joey went on to better things without us; that our time caring for him on this Earth was over; that circumstances weren't different. Joey lived a full life on this Earth in a matter of minutes, and I experienced the fullness of being his mother in that same amount of time.
I feel the same sadness watching Elisa grow up too. Last year, I did have a baby for Christmas, (not a newborn, but definitely a baby); the year before I had a pregnancy. And now I've got a toddler, and I just can't believe how time is flying by. Elisa's already a year and a half-- another 11 like it and she'll be graduating from high school! Oh, gosh. This motherhood stuff is really tough no matter how you experience it! It makes me wonder how/when/where, (not if), I'll be forced to let Elisa go, and it reminds me to stop and hug her as often as possible (especially when she's bugging me, or crying, or trashing my house, or I'm trying to get something done, etc.) i.e. As she is climbing all over my computer desk as I write this!!
Fast forward to Christmas Eve. This year, more than ever, I wanted to experience the birth of Christ in a deeper way. I wanted Christmas to be about baby Jesus. We had a bunch a family gatherings scheduled to run around and open presents, but my heart wasn't in that at all. I decided to skip the evening festivities and instead I wanted to spend Christmas Eve with Mary, anxiously awaiting baby Jesus's arrival. I wanted to be the "first one there," so to speak, like our family and priest who stayed up most of the night in the waiting room, anticipating the arrival of our Baby Joey.
I went to my local parish church and spent the evening in the chapel there. As I sat there, I thought about Mary's travel to Bethlehem at nine months pregnant, going into labor in the stable, and her being all alone in a different town, with only Joseph and the animals. I realized Christmas Eve was the day Mary would have been in labor, and that made me feel a deep connection with her as I re-lived Joey's labor and birth in my mind. I decided I would stay there in the chapel "with Mary" until Jesus was born, like my doula stayed with me, and brought me tremendous comfort as I labored to bring Joey into the world. At 11:00pm-11:30ish, the church started filling with people, the choir started singing songs of joy and glad tidings, and my heart wept. It was actually very, very, beautiful. I was still alone in the little back chapel, sticking it out with Mary. (If, say, Jesus was born at midnight, then Mary would have been in transition at 11:30pm, and my heart cried out with her. I also felt tremendous joy when the clock struck 12, and the whole Church burst into song!)
Being the mother of Jesus was a tremendous gift, as well as a tremendous cross for Mary. (Just like we felt with Joey.) Mary is called "Our Lady of Sorrows" for that reason. Seems that the two go hand-in-hand: tremendous spiritual gifts, and also crosses. To suffer for another is to have loved them, and I feel that way about our time with Joey. I think my prayer for 2013 will have to be asking for more of Mary's help in my life: Mary, please teach me how to love Jesus better and welcome Him into my life, as you did! Help me to welcome not only the joys, but also the crosses that go with them. Help me to labor, out of love, for others.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Monday, December 3, 2012
Getting Back to "Normal"
I'm on such a roll for writing blog posts tonight, why not keep it going! It occurred to me, after I posted all the other thoughts, that this was the one I was thinking of first. The other thoughts were difficult to get out, but this one is pretty lighthearted. I think my old friends, especially, will get a kick out of this reflection.
Anyhow-- I realized something today-- not new by any stretch of my close friends' imaginations, but an epiphany of the moment for me. It occurred to me that I love/seek/crave intense moments, intense experiences. So, the full experience of Joey's life, in all seriousness, probably suited me quite well. It seems that, in my "past life," I'm pretty sure I said, "What's the craziest thing I can do?" And then would I go ahead and do it.
The intensity of Joey's birth and death, the whirlwind of the funeral, the retreat, etc., experiencing life to the fullest, (even in suffering), is what I always seek out. So, why would I expect the arrival and departure of Joey to be anything but?
That being said, it's been pretty difficult getting back to "normal" life, after the whirlwind has settled down. What does normal look like, anyways? Lying on the couch all day? Good grief! (In actuality- now I feel great, I'm already back to my pre-Joey weight, and I feel more alive than ever... So, now what?)
Let's see, before Joey, I was nursing my baby Elisa. Before that, I was teaching and pregnant. Before that... I was single! Wow, that's a crazy thought. No wonder it's a tough transition. I don't have a "normal" life to go back to.
If I went back to the old normal, well, it would be pretty much time for a new job, (long overdue in fact, LOL =), time to move to a new town, try a crazy new adventure, etc. All kinds of outrageous ideas have crossed my mind, so I guess that shouldn't surprise anyone, let alone me! Matt's not exactly the crazy adventure type (which is probably a good thing), so I doubt he'd be up for moving away and trying something new and outrageous.
That being said, I've definitely been thinking alot about how to make a fresh start, how to make a new normal for my life as it currently stands. Hmm... Well, for starters, I've been doing my hair once in a while. That would make my much cuter sister very proud. (LOL.. that's not my first!! But my sister would be proud.) For seconds... I'm trying a new weight loss system-- seems to be working awesome so far-- yay! For thirds... (actually, first) I've been going to Mass each day and getting on a new earlier schedule, which is also going great. Fourth... trying a new side business, and hoping to help others in a new way. Fifth... not sure yet! I'll keep you posted, as crazy ventures and ideas keep popping their heads up! (How do I always forget that this craziness suits me?!)
Anyhow-- I realized something today-- not new by any stretch of my close friends' imaginations, but an epiphany of the moment for me. It occurred to me that I love/seek/crave intense moments, intense experiences. So, the full experience of Joey's life, in all seriousness, probably suited me quite well. It seems that, in my "past life," I'm pretty sure I said, "What's the craziest thing I can do?" And then would I go ahead and do it.
The intensity of Joey's birth and death, the whirlwind of the funeral, the retreat, etc., experiencing life to the fullest, (even in suffering), is what I always seek out. So, why would I expect the arrival and departure of Joey to be anything but?
That being said, it's been pretty difficult getting back to "normal" life, after the whirlwind has settled down. What does normal look like, anyways? Lying on the couch all day? Good grief! (In actuality- now I feel great, I'm already back to my pre-Joey weight, and I feel more alive than ever... So, now what?)
Let's see, before Joey, I was nursing my baby Elisa. Before that, I was teaching and pregnant. Before that... I was single! Wow, that's a crazy thought. No wonder it's a tough transition. I don't have a "normal" life to go back to.
If I went back to the old normal, well, it would be pretty much time for a new job, (long overdue in fact, LOL =), time to move to a new town, try a crazy new adventure, etc. All kinds of outrageous ideas have crossed my mind, so I guess that shouldn't surprise anyone, let alone me! Matt's not exactly the crazy adventure type (which is probably a good thing), so I doubt he'd be up for moving away and trying something new and outrageous.
That being said, I've definitely been thinking alot about how to make a fresh start, how to make a new normal for my life as it currently stands. Hmm... Well, for starters, I've been doing my hair once in a while. That would make my much cuter sister very proud. (LOL.. that's not my first!! But my sister would be proud.) For seconds... I'm trying a new weight loss system-- seems to be working awesome so far-- yay! For thirds... (actually, first) I've been going to Mass each day and getting on a new earlier schedule, which is also going great. Fourth... trying a new side business, and hoping to help others in a new way. Fifth... not sure yet! I'll keep you posted, as crazy ventures and ideas keep popping their heads up! (How do I always forget that this craziness suits me?!)
Babies, Babies Everywhere
One thing that I was determined about after Joey's diagnosis, was that I was not going to run away from other babies, no matter how emotional it was going to be! I love babies, and I didn't want to spend the next-- who knows how long-- running away and hiding from them.
There was one person, in particular, who was a great inspiration to me in making this decision. She and I were due just several days apart when I was expecting Elisa. I almost miscarried at 8 weeks, but then she did miscarry at 10 weeks. I was so heartbroken for her, and I didn't know how she could ever face my daughter, knowing the loss that she suffered. Well, not only did she love my daughter, but she threw me a baby shower, and even suffered a series of miscarriages (that I didn't know about), while I was expecting Elisa. Her strength and courage to face the situation was so admirable, that I knew I had to try and follow her example.
So-- facing other babies is what I've been determined to do. After Joey's diagnosis, I purposely spent time with as many babies as I could find, hugging and loving them as deeply as I could. My younger sister had baby twins this summer, and I spent many days visiting their family, and just finding comfort in loving those babies.
Fast forward to after Joey's funeral. Seems that everyone I know is either having, just had, or trying to have another baby! In the grocery, at the park, in every pew at Church, etc., it seems that every young family has a new baby, and for some reason they all seem to be boys right about Joey's age. Wow. Thank goodness I've decided not to run away from them all, but it can be pretty intense to face as well.
At Thanksgiving, Matt's cousin (who we rarely see, if ever) came and brought their 5 week old baby boy with them. (I didn't even know they were expecting, let alone had a baby almost exactly Joey's age!) Gulp- It took my breath away for a minute. But I was determined to face those emotions so, instead, I asked to hold their baby and share some love with him for a few minutes. It was tough, but a really worthwhile experience. At Mass, on another day, we ran into a friend who had a baby boy 2 days before Joey. Gulp- same thing, and I asked to give him some hugs as well.
Finally, last Thursday, the most intense experience happened. A new couple came to the young adult group that we're part of, and brought their little baby boy. Apparently they had come a long time ago, but not any time recently. I found myself sneaking glances at the little baby and thinking that he was, most likely, pretty close to Joey's age as well. I thought about asking to hold him, but something made me hesitate and almost run away. He was smaller than the other babies I'd run into, and therefore reminded me even more of Joey, and choked me up quite a bit. Well, after the meeting... I can't even remember the details exactly... but somehow we started a little conversation and I was considering asking to hold their baby. For some reason, this baby was harder to face than any baby yet. I started to say that I had a little baby a few weeks ago, too, but then the other mom burst into tears first! She said that she knew, she had read my blog, and that her son was born on the exact same day, just a couple hours sooner! Then of course, I burst into tears, and we both cried together for several minutes, realizing the intensity of the situation. She was so heartbroken for me, and we both felt the deepest connection even though we barely knew each other. Finally, I got to hold her baby, little Andrew, and I just cried and cried.
It was a good cry, but I just can't describe how intense this meeting with baby Andrew was. I had been thinking that, although I feel so close to Joey's spirit, I desperately miss the ability to hug and hold him in person. Just the day before, the song came on the radio, All I want for Christmas is You, and I cried all the way to my destination. I just wanted to re-live Joey's birthday all over again, hugging and holding him all day long.
In meeting baby Andrew, however, it was like Joey was saying, "Here I am, mom! =) You can give me some hugs in baby Andrew!"
There was one person, in particular, who was a great inspiration to me in making this decision. She and I were due just several days apart when I was expecting Elisa. I almost miscarried at 8 weeks, but then she did miscarry at 10 weeks. I was so heartbroken for her, and I didn't know how she could ever face my daughter, knowing the loss that she suffered. Well, not only did she love my daughter, but she threw me a baby shower, and even suffered a series of miscarriages (that I didn't know about), while I was expecting Elisa. Her strength and courage to face the situation was so admirable, that I knew I had to try and follow her example.
So-- facing other babies is what I've been determined to do. After Joey's diagnosis, I purposely spent time with as many babies as I could find, hugging and loving them as deeply as I could. My younger sister had baby twins this summer, and I spent many days visiting their family, and just finding comfort in loving those babies.
Fast forward to after Joey's funeral. Seems that everyone I know is either having, just had, or trying to have another baby! In the grocery, at the park, in every pew at Church, etc., it seems that every young family has a new baby, and for some reason they all seem to be boys right about Joey's age. Wow. Thank goodness I've decided not to run away from them all, but it can be pretty intense to face as well.
At Thanksgiving, Matt's cousin (who we rarely see, if ever) came and brought their 5 week old baby boy with them. (I didn't even know they were expecting, let alone had a baby almost exactly Joey's age!) Gulp- It took my breath away for a minute. But I was determined to face those emotions so, instead, I asked to hold their baby and share some love with him for a few minutes. It was tough, but a really worthwhile experience. At Mass, on another day, we ran into a friend who had a baby boy 2 days before Joey. Gulp- same thing, and I asked to give him some hugs as well.
Finally, last Thursday, the most intense experience happened. A new couple came to the young adult group that we're part of, and brought their little baby boy. Apparently they had come a long time ago, but not any time recently. I found myself sneaking glances at the little baby and thinking that he was, most likely, pretty close to Joey's age as well. I thought about asking to hold him, but something made me hesitate and almost run away. He was smaller than the other babies I'd run into, and therefore reminded me even more of Joey, and choked me up quite a bit. Well, after the meeting... I can't even remember the details exactly... but somehow we started a little conversation and I was considering asking to hold their baby. For some reason, this baby was harder to face than any baby yet. I started to say that I had a little baby a few weeks ago, too, but then the other mom burst into tears first! She said that she knew, she had read my blog, and that her son was born on the exact same day, just a couple hours sooner! Then of course, I burst into tears, and we both cried together for several minutes, realizing the intensity of the situation. She was so heartbroken for me, and we both felt the deepest connection even though we barely knew each other. Finally, I got to hold her baby, little Andrew, and I just cried and cried.
It was a good cry, but I just can't describe how intense this meeting with baby Andrew was. I had been thinking that, although I feel so close to Joey's spirit, I desperately miss the ability to hug and hold him in person. Just the day before, the song came on the radio, All I want for Christmas is You, and I cried all the way to my destination. I just wanted to re-live Joey's birthday all over again, hugging and holding him all day long.
In meeting baby Andrew, however, it was like Joey was saying, "Here I am, mom! =) You can give me some hugs in baby Andrew!"
Grave Marker Update
I wanted to mention that we've met our goal for purchasing Joey's grave marker! (I know- seems like a crazy thing to celebrate.) Well, it's joyful for us to share our little Joey with others, and this will help others (and us) identify his resting place. We'll be ordering a marker soon, but apparently it takes several months to get it in.
As Catholics, we believe that Joey's spirit is in Heaven, but one day he'll be reunited with his body as well. (And it will be whole and perfect then.) For now, his little body is really a relic, and the place where he's buried would be considered holy ground.
It's our hope that others will find comfort in connecting with Joey, and asking for his prayers for you and your family. I know that we have been immensely blessed to have Joey in our lives, and every day brings new surprises from him! We hope that others will find comfort and healing through Joey's prayers as well.
(PS- If you wanted to contribute but didn't get the chance, may I suggest making a donation to prenatalpartnersforlife.com or to a Pregnancy Help Center in Joey's name? We would be so grateful for his life to help other mothers and babies in need!)
Courage and Closure
Lord, Grant me the Courage...
I started this blog with the thought of being able to document some memories of Joey's life, as well as being able to share his diagnosis with close friends and family. It was much easier to do in writing than in person (seeing as I would burst into tears before words actually came out). Secondly, I was so grateful for other moms who shared their stories with me, I felt it was only right to share Joey's special life as well.One day on a whim, I decided to made this blog public, and now it's a little overwhelming-- but kind of a courage-challenge too. The thought of sharing the deepest parts of my heart with the whole possible world is... wow. Vertigo. I have to say, I'm not used to doing this. So that's why it takes me a really long time in-between posts. Basically, I have to muster up the courage to share a little more. And find the words to do so.
How Are We Doing?
I know people are wondering, how are we doing? It will be 6 weeks, tomorrow, since Joey's birth. It feels like ages ago and yesterday, at the same time.The overwhelming feeling that I still have, after experiencing the birth and death of my firstborn son in a day, is AWE. I am is total awe of the gift that his life was/is to our family, and even to those around us.
Transforming Motherhood
The day that I gave birth to my daughter, Elisa, I was transformed-- into a mother. I'm pretty sure most mothers feel this way. It was a change that touched the core of my being, and (I think) it was basically instant. It changed my life completely. (I'm not sure it's the same experience with fathers.. but that's a thought to ponder later!)Anyhow, in a similar way, I experienced the same kind of instant transformation when I became a spiritual mother. Knowing that my son is in Heaven, praying and rooting for me, is... INCREDIBLE. It's a gift beyond words. I can just picture my little Joey saying to the other saints, and to Mary, "Hey, that's my mom! You've got to help me get her up here too!" Wow.
The Ups
At the same time, I've had some ups and downs in the past few weeks as well. The birth of Joey was actually such a spiritual high, strange as that sounds, that we were riding on a total high for a couple of weeks. It was the most amazing feeling, the closest I've ever felt to God in my life. And I was really, really grateful for that gift. (The next closest was when I experienced the incorrupt body of St. Bernadette in person, and/or all night Adoration sessions at the Kartause, in Gaming Austria =)The spiritual high continues when I experience and focus on what I've gained from being Joey's mother- the gifts- joy, grace, peace, a direct link to Heaven, a deeper experience of the meaning of life and suffering, a catalyst for allowing my own heart to grow closer to God, etc.
And the Downs
The Downs happen when I start focusing on what I don't have-- a baby in my arms to hug and hold, a little brother for Elisa to love and pick on, even a pregnancy to complain about anymore! Unexpected encounters with people, and explanations can be really difficult. Some days I feel like a rock (and surprise myself), and other days I find myself melting like a baby. (I am soooo thankful, by the way, when people give me a heads-up that they know, like, "Hey I've been praying for you." Then I don't have to explain to someone in a state of shock!) Sometimes I just hear a song on the radio... I'll Be Home for Christmas, All I Want for Christmas is You, Mary Did You Know... and burst into tears.Closure has been the most difficult of all. In all seriousness, I really feel like Joey's spirit is closer to me, now, than even when I was pregnant. So it's really strange coming to grips with closure. The hardest moments with Joey were not when his heartbeat disappeared, but when we handed him over to the funeral director, and said goodbye to his little body, at the funeral and at the cemetery. Since then, the hardest days have been when I cleaned up the house and put away many of Joey's little things, when I put away my pregnancy clothes (which was awesome, but really sad at the same time), when I went to Mass alone one day (Elisa was sick) and I had flashbacks of Joey's funeral the whole time, when I've attempted to write thank-you cards (which remind me that Joey's really not here with us), etc.
The Gaping-Heart Wound
Another thing that I've experienced in the aftermath is that my heart is so full of love for Joey, but since he's not here to receive it, it's just flowing away from me, from a big gaping hole in my heart. It's tempting to hide it, or bottle it up, which I admit I feel like doing sometimes. But other times, when I have the courage to direct it towards someone else, it's been a really beautiful experience. I can see why God put it there, even if I can't give it to Joey. (Maybe even especially so, since I can share it with people I normally would have never thought to.)I went on a retreat the week right after Joey's funeral, and one thing affected me profoundly. In the women's talk, the priest (Fr. Nathan) spoke of allowing your heart to be pierced in the way that Mary's heart was pierced, at the foot of the cross. At that moment, at the foot of the cross, when Mary was giving her son back to the Father and her heart was pierced the deepest, Jesus gave her to John. At that moment, she became the "Mother of the Church", and Jesus asked her to love John, (and then others as well), with the love she had in her heart for Jesus.
Wow. wow.. I thought-- ohmigosh-- that's me, too (in a much less profound way). I gave my son back to the Father, and now my heart is overflowing with love to give to someone. Wow. Need to think on that one some more.
Happy 6 weeks in Heaven, Baby Joey!! xoxoxoxo
Don't forget to pray for our family and all our friends!
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Giving Thanks
We have so, so, much to be thankful for. Maybe it's easier to realize it because we've just had a deep loss, I don't know. What I do know is that I feel so incredibly thankful for the little things this year, which now seem huge... life, freedom, good health, two arms and two legs, sunshine, fresh air, Elisa's laughter, big hugs from Matt, the smell of campfires burning, crunching the fall leaves underfoot, dear friendships... I could go on.
We're also incredibly thankful for all of YOU-- you, who have journeyed with us, grieved with us, celebrated with us, and recognized the precious life of our little baby Joey. We are more grateful that words can express. To those of you who contributed to Joey's grave marker, we are soooo grateful, and we're almost there! We want to thank every one of you personally, and we are in the process of writing your thank-you cards... very slowly, but surely. =) .
Finally, on this eve of Thanksgiving in America, I especially want to say, thank you, God, for all the wonderful things you have put into my life! Thank you for my family, friends, health, the natural world and all its beauty, and especially life itself! Thank you for sending us baby Joey to help us remember what's important. And, especially, thank you for the Eucharist, and for sending your own Son to die for me.
To baby Joey- "Happy one month birthday, on Friday!" We love you and miss you dearly!
We're also incredibly thankful for all of YOU-- you, who have journeyed with us, grieved with us, celebrated with us, and recognized the precious life of our little baby Joey. We are more grateful that words can express. To those of you who contributed to Joey's grave marker, we are soooo grateful, and we're almost there! We want to thank every one of you personally, and we are in the process of writing your thank-you cards... very slowly, but surely. =) .
Finally, on this eve of Thanksgiving in America, I especially want to say, thank you, God, for all the wonderful things you have put into my life! Thank you for my family, friends, health, the natural world and all its beauty, and especially life itself! Thank you for sending us baby Joey to help us remember what's important. And, especially, thank you for the Eucharist, and for sending your own Son to die for me.
To baby Joey- "Happy one month birthday, on Friday!" We love you and miss you dearly!
Monday, November 12, 2012
Gifts From Joey
So... I'm not really one to be superstitious, overly sentimental, or anything like that. However, a few really sweet things have happened since Joey's passing and I thought some of you would take joy in hearing about them. Do I know for sure these stories are from Joey? No, of course not. However, do I believe that Joey is really alive, much more so than before, and could possibly take the time to bring our family little messages of love? (Yes, of course!)
As the summer heat continued, however, the garden started to wilt and dry up, despite my efforts. We then left for a long weekend, and the garden was nearly fried by the time we got back. Two days later, we found out about Joey's diagnosis and were devastated. I couldn't bear to work in the garden anymore, and I felt it was perfectly symbolic that it had wilted away, right along with our hopes for baby Joey.
Well.. skip ahead to the day after Joey's birth. Our neighbor was talking to Matt and they walked out back near the garden. It was Oct 24th, and one perfect red strawberry was hanging over the edge of the garden in plain sight. The neighbor saw it and said, "Hey it actually looks like a heart!" And it did. There was a little leaf sticking down just so, which made the strawberry look just like a heart.
It was also our first ripe strawberry of the year and the garden. (We just put in the strawberry plants this summer and had been picking off the flowers so the plants would bear better fruit next year.) So, to us, it was a beautiful symbol of Joey's new life in Heaven, and how his life has only just begun to bear fruit!
Well, when Matt misplaced his glasses the other day, we looked around for about 15 min to no avail. Matt was getting anxious to get to work, and so on the spur of the moment we decided to ask Joey for help. Not even 10 seconds later, we walked back into the living room and there they were-- right on the top edge of the couch, where I thought we already looked!
Coincidence? Perhaps. Love message from Joey? We prefer to think so! (I can just imagine what Joey would have been like as a little boy, eager to please, and running all around the house to help find daddy's glasses!)
Anyhow, my mom was helping us get ready for the day of Joey's funeral, and she had taken Elisa grocery shopping while Matt and I were making funeral arrangements. We were planning to have folks over afterwards, and so mom was picking up food/drinks for the after party. We knew that we didn't want to grieve all day, but that we wanted to celebrate Joey's little life, and the gift he had been to us already.
So, that being said, mom was debating whether to pick up a few water bottles for the guests or not. She didn't feel like walking all the way to the back of the store, so she just decided to forget it. At the last minute, she changed her mind and headed to get some. What she saw next choked her up-- right on the top of the package, in huge letters, it said something like, "check out our new labels, where you can write your name like this... JOEY"!
Mom couldn't believe her eyes, and felt that Joey was saying to us, "It's ok! Go ahead and celebrate. I'm in Heaven and we're celebrating here too!"
Mommy's Garden
We planted a square foot garden this past spring, with all kinds of wonderful fruits and veggies, right around the time Joey was conceived. As the summer went on, Elisa and I would spend a few moments each day, checking out the progress, picking little weeds, and munching on a few ripe treats. The garden made me think a lot of our coming baby, as I watched the new sprouts grow taller and bear fruit.As the summer heat continued, however, the garden started to wilt and dry up, despite my efforts. We then left for a long weekend, and the garden was nearly fried by the time we got back. Two days later, we found out about Joey's diagnosis and were devastated. I couldn't bear to work in the garden anymore, and I felt it was perfectly symbolic that it had wilted away, right along with our hopes for baby Joey.
Well.. skip ahead to the day after Joey's birth. Our neighbor was talking to Matt and they walked out back near the garden. It was Oct 24th, and one perfect red strawberry was hanging over the edge of the garden in plain sight. The neighbor saw it and said, "Hey it actually looks like a heart!" And it did. There was a little leaf sticking down just so, which made the strawberry look just like a heart.
It was also our first ripe strawberry of the year and the garden. (We just put in the strawberry plants this summer and had been picking off the flowers so the plants would bear better fruit next year.) So, to us, it was a beautiful symbol of Joey's new life in Heaven, and how his life has only just begun to bear fruit!
Daddy's Glasses
Well, if you're Catholic, you might be familiar with the practice of asking a saint to help you out with little things, like finding missing glasses. We believe the saints can, if God allows them, help us out here below. (So, why not ask?)Well, when Matt misplaced his glasses the other day, we looked around for about 15 min to no avail. Matt was getting anxious to get to work, and so on the spur of the moment we decided to ask Joey for help. Not even 10 seconds later, we walked back into the living room and there they were-- right on the top edge of the couch, where I thought we already looked!
Coincidence? Perhaps. Love message from Joey? We prefer to think so! (I can just imagine what Joey would have been like as a little boy, eager to please, and running all around the house to help find daddy's glasses!)
Grandma's Water
This story is from my mom, and she is really the opposite of overly-sentimental. However, this one even choked her up.Anyhow, my mom was helping us get ready for the day of Joey's funeral, and she had taken Elisa grocery shopping while Matt and I were making funeral arrangements. We were planning to have folks over afterwards, and so mom was picking up food/drinks for the after party. We knew that we didn't want to grieve all day, but that we wanted to celebrate Joey's little life, and the gift he had been to us already.
So, that being said, mom was debating whether to pick up a few water bottles for the guests or not. She didn't feel like walking all the way to the back of the store, so she just decided to forget it. At the last minute, she changed her mind and headed to get some. What she saw next choked her up-- right on the top of the package, in huge letters, it said something like, "check out our new labels, where you can write your name like this... JOEY"!
Mom couldn't believe her eyes, and felt that Joey was saying to us, "It's ok! Go ahead and celebrate. I'm in Heaven and we're celebrating here too!"
Postpartum-- the Surprise of JOY
I know it's been a few weeks since my last blog post. I started this one a while ago but, for some reason, I've had a terrible time finishing it. Words are just inadequate.
How are we doing in the aftermath of baby Joey's birth and death? Surprisingly..... Wonderful. Joyful. Grateful. In Awe, (at the mystery of life and love). I want to shout it from the rooftops; I can't believe God's goodness to us. In the short moments of Joey's little life, I discovered that having a baby with anencephaly wasn't a curse at all; it was a gift. Joey didn't really need us (i.e. his little life was already destined for Heaven), but we sure needed him. And now we're forever changed.
I know that I couldn't believe it... I didn't believe it... when I read so many stories of moms in similar circumstances, and how they would not trade this experience for anything in the world. The stories of joy, hope, consolation, the gift of life that the child brought to the mother, were positively incredible. I didn't think it was possible to find so much joy and peace in this difficult situation, in the midst of intense suffering and loss.
And yet, here I am, and now I'm starting to get it. These past few weeks have been incredible-- absolutely, positively, life-changing. (I feel as if I've gained a hundred years in wisdom and understanding, about the meaning of life.) I, too, can now say that I wouldn't trade this experience for anything in the world. I feel so immensely blessed that I was chosen to be little Joey's mom. From the time of diagnosis, I knew I was embracing a cross, and all I could see before me were the tears and suffering involved. I knew that I had a burden to bear, but I had no idea it was going to turn into the most incredible gift, and possibly the best experience of my life.
In the bigger picture of life, I know that I really couldn't, (and didn't), do that much for little Joey. True, I chose to face some "avoidable" suffering, in order to continue the pregnancy and give birth. At times, it was so hard. I was uncomfortable, discouraged, heartbroken. But, what I've gained from the experience is unreal, an immense gift, and made it worthwhile 100 times over. I allowed love to triumph. It didn't change Joey; it changed me.
And that's all the words I have. I will try to elaborate in future posts, but for now, I just feel gratitude for the chance to share in Joey's little life. Thank you, Jesus, for the gift of little Joey shared with our family!
To Joey, I want to say, "Happy 3 weeks in Heaven, little man! =) We love you and miss you very much. Don't forget to pray for mommy, daddy, Elisa, and all our friends!"
How are we doing in the aftermath of baby Joey's birth and death? Surprisingly..... Wonderful. Joyful. Grateful. In Awe, (at the mystery of life and love). I want to shout it from the rooftops; I can't believe God's goodness to us. In the short moments of Joey's little life, I discovered that having a baby with anencephaly wasn't a curse at all; it was a gift. Joey didn't really need us (i.e. his little life was already destined for Heaven), but we sure needed him. And now we're forever changed.
I know that I couldn't believe it... I didn't believe it... when I read so many stories of moms in similar circumstances, and how they would not trade this experience for anything in the world. The stories of joy, hope, consolation, the gift of life that the child brought to the mother, were positively incredible. I didn't think it was possible to find so much joy and peace in this difficult situation, in the midst of intense suffering and loss.
And yet, here I am, and now I'm starting to get it. These past few weeks have been incredible-- absolutely, positively, life-changing. (I feel as if I've gained a hundred years in wisdom and understanding, about the meaning of life.) I, too, can now say that I wouldn't trade this experience for anything in the world. I feel so immensely blessed that I was chosen to be little Joey's mom. From the time of diagnosis, I knew I was embracing a cross, and all I could see before me were the tears and suffering involved. I knew that I had a burden to bear, but I had no idea it was going to turn into the most incredible gift, and possibly the best experience of my life.
In the bigger picture of life, I know that I really couldn't, (and didn't), do that much for little Joey. True, I chose to face some "avoidable" suffering, in order to continue the pregnancy and give birth. At times, it was so hard. I was uncomfortable, discouraged, heartbroken. But, what I've gained from the experience is unreal, an immense gift, and made it worthwhile 100 times over. I allowed love to triumph. It didn't change Joey; it changed me.
And that's all the words I have. I will try to elaborate in future posts, but for now, I just feel gratitude for the chance to share in Joey's little life. Thank you, Jesus, for the gift of little Joey shared with our family!
To Joey, I want to say, "Happy 3 weeks in Heaven, little man! =) We love you and miss you very much. Don't forget to pray for mommy, daddy, Elisa, and all our friends!"
Monday, November 5, 2012
Guest Post: Attending to Details for Joey
Dear Friends,
We ourselves have been encouraged, challenged—and at times—moved to tears at the witness to life that the Howes are. We want to contribute in a small way to the life of saint Joey and lift part of the financial burden off of the Howe family. We have heard from a lot of people who are interested in helping too.
Matt and Marie have offered us the opportunity to attend to a small detail of Joey’s life and form a closer connection to our newest intercessor. Would you like to help us pay for the grave marker for Joseph Matthew?
Your contribution would honor the loving sacrifices they have made and their “yes” to God. We can’t help but think of Joey asking graces to be poured out for the love extended to him and his family.
If you wish to contribute, you can give online through the Paypal link on the right.
Many of you already know the story of Baby Joey. In the middle of their pregnancy, Matt and
Marie Howe learned their precious baby boy was not going to live very long on
earth once he was born. Joseph Matthew
Howe entered and left this world on October 23, 2012 after spending a little
over an hour with his family.
The Howes are overjoyed at being Joey’s parents, having him baptized and confirmed, and being so intimately connected with a little saint in Heaven. Their beautiful perspective on this whole experience is a testament to God’s ability to work through suffering and the power or prayer. We serve a good God.
The Howes are overjoyed at being Joey’s parents, having him baptized and confirmed, and being so intimately connected with a little saint in Heaven. Their beautiful perspective on this whole experience is a testament to God’s ability to work through suffering and the power or prayer. We serve a good God.
We ourselves have been encouraged, challenged—and at times—moved to tears at the witness to life that the Howes are. We want to contribute in a small way to the life of saint Joey and lift part of the financial burden off of the Howe family. We have heard from a lot of people who are interested in helping too.
Matt and Marie have offered us the opportunity to attend to a small detail of Joey’s life and form a closer connection to our newest intercessor. Would you like to help us pay for the grave marker for Joseph Matthew?
Your contribution would honor the loving sacrifices they have made and their “yes” to God. We can’t help but think of Joey asking graces to be poured out for the love extended to him and his family.
If you wish to contribute, you can give online through the Paypal link on the right.
Please continue to lift up their family in prayer. The blessings are just beginning! Joseph Matthew, pray for us!
In Christ,
Jennifer Sands and Carrie
Schmitt
P.S. If you do wish to contribute, please include your
address so they can personally thank you.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Happy All Saint's Day!
We have a super-busy weekend ahead, but I just wanted to stop by and wish all of you a HAPPY ALL SAINT'S DAY!! This has been the most beautiful and blessed All Saint's Day I've ever experienced. We feel so incredible blessed to be little Joey's parents, and also to have a son in heaven, who can intercede for all of us! I wanted to write a big long post on how well we're doing, how blessed we feel, and how God has really turned our tears into joy in the past week... but goodness, I've just run out of time today!
I'll definitely write more next week, but I just want to leave you with knowing that we are all doing very, very, well and feel God's presence so immensely it's indescribable. God bless you all, have a happy All Saint's Day, and thank you so much for all the prayers!
I'll definitely write more next week, but I just want to leave you with knowing that we are all doing very, very, well and feel God's presence so immensely it's indescribable. God bless you all, have a happy All Saint's Day, and thank you so much for all the prayers!
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Joey's Birthday & Funeral Services
Dearest Friends,
Our little baby boy, Joseph Matthew Howe, was born early
Tuesday morning, Oct. 23rd at 5:22am. He weighed 2lbs 10.8oz and was 14.5 inches tall. Joey lived for approx. 88 minutes before quietly passing into the
arms of our Heavenly Father. He was able
to receive baptism and confirmation immediately following birth, from our dear
priest and friend, Fr. Jerome Zeiler.
Although Joey came earlier than expected, we knew he had anencephaly and
were prepared for his short life on this Earth.
After his diagnosis around 20 weeks, we made the decision to carry and
love him as long as possible, and we have been blessed in so many unimaginable
ways because of it. On the day of Joey’s
birth, we were blessed with a perfect day, and all our little prayers were
answered beautifully-- I had a safe and
natural labor and delivery; my waters remained intact until the last minute, so
there was minimal stress on Joey’s head; Joey was born alive, (and even wiggling);
big sister Elisa was there to meet and hold her brother alive; our parents were
there to help us celebrate Joey’s life, as well as his passing into Heaven; Matt
and I were blessed with an abundance of grace to appreciate and enjoy each
moment, including the whole rest of the day, just cuddling and making memories
with Joey; but most importantly, we were so immensely blessed to have Joey baptized
and confirmed in the very first precious moments of his life! Thank you all for your many, many prayers and
support through this difficult yet blessed time in our lives. For those of you interested in reading about
Joey’s story, http://beforeiformedyou.blogspot.com/
Funeral Services for Joseph Matthew Howe will be as follows:
Friday, Oct. 26th,
6-8pm, visitation at Mueller Parker Funeral Home (6791 Tylersville Rd.
Mason, OH 45040)
Saturday, Oct. 27th,
10:00am, Funeral Mass at St. Maximilian Kolbe Catholic Parish (5720
Hamilton Mason Rd. Liberty Township, OH 45011) Luncheon immediately following
in the parish center.
Monday, Oct. 29th,
10:00am, small burial service at Gates of Heaven Catholic Cemetery (11000
Montgomery Rd. Cincinnati, OH 45249)
If anyone is interested in helping with items for the Saturday
luncheon, please contact Carol Heuser (513) 777-4322 (ext 104).
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Medical Update- 10/9/2012
I know it's been a while since I've posted. My daughter has been sick all week and we've had so many things going on. That being said, on Tuesday of this week we had an ultrasound, doctor's appt, and a meeting with the hospital staff where I'll be giving birth, and so I have quite a few medical updates to pass on.
1. Heartbeat- Baby Joey's heartbeat seems to be back in the normal range- Praise the Lord! =) During our ultrasound and at the doctor's office, Joey's heartbeat was registering in the 140's, so the low readings from 2 weeks ago may have been just a fluke. Anyhow, that was great news.
2. Weight- Based on ultrasound measurements of Joey's stomach and leg bone, the technician estimates Joey's current weight to be right around 3lbs.
3. Pictures- We got some really cute pictures of Joey at the ultrasound. It appears that Joey has no additional (visible) birth defects, although many babies with anencephaly also have cleft palates, etc. He also has perfectly formed hands and feet, but he kept wiggling so much, it was tough to get any still pictures! (Oh, yes.. and he's still a boy!) The tech also gave us a free DVD of the ultrasound, which will be a lovely memento down the road.
4. Amniotic Fluid- I certainly have more than enough amniotic fluid present, as I pretty much suspected (based on how I feel/look at only 7 months!) According to our ultrasound tech, the peak amount of amniotic fluid in a normal pregnancy is 25, and then begins to go down as the baby gets close to delivery. My number currently is 41, and will not likely go down, but could continue to build up further. The reason I have too much fluid is that Baby Joey isn't swallowing it the way a healthy baby would, so it means his lungs most likely aren't working very well either. This is a typical occurrence for babies with anencephaly. ("41 what?" you might want to ask. Apparently, the numbers don't correspond to anything we know... ounces, grams, mL, etc. So, I guess.. 41 AFU (amniotic fluid units?))
5. Healthy Mama- My health is doing well, however. Good blood pressure, etc. I've just been getting more and more uncomfortable on a daily basis, feeling like I'm 9 months pregnant instead of 7, so I've been lying low for the past few weeks now. (I prescribed a self-induced, partial bed rest for myself lately!) At least I now feel justified in feeling 9 months pregnant, since my doctor says I'm definitely measuring the size of full term already.
6. Likely Early Labor- The above being said, there is also a good risk that I'll be going into spontaneous labor earlier than my due date (which is Dec 20th). Apparently, any day now is a possibility. As my body continues to feel full term, there's a good chance it will just say, "time to come out, baby!" I feel at peace about the situation, either way. It's uncomfortable feeling 9 months pregnant, but it's sweet to feel Baby Joey's wiggles, loving him, and knowing that he's safe for now. On the other hand, if God is ready to call him home earlier than expected, I feel at peace about God's timing too. (Regardless, I realize I better be getting my things ready to go!)
7. Natural Birth Center- At the hospital where I'll be giving birth, there is a natural birth center area, (which is where I delivered Elisa.) It's much more "home-like" than a hospital room, has a birthing tub, a family room for waiting family, etc. I was originally told I couldn't give birth there due to Joey's condition. However, on Tuesday at the hospital meeting, I found out that I now have special permission to birth there anyways (regardless of whether I go into labor early). I was really happy about that news, as the thought of the hospital atmosphere really stressed me out, and this area is much, much, more calming and welcoming.
8. Lots of Contractions- On the subject of delivery, I've been feeling loads of contractions lately. Last night, for example, I was so uncomfortable after going to bed, I decided to just get up and go downstairs. My abdomen was so tight and uncomfortable, that I finally realized that I was having contractions. They actually continued regularly for quite some time, and it occurred to me that I might need to think about timing them! Wowser. Well, they did continue on for some time, but then finally went away. (If you're reading this and not familiar with pregnancy, early contractions are normal for any pregnancy, called Braxton-Hicks. I just don't remember ever feeling them so early or so frequently with Elisa.)
Well, that's all the medical updates I can think of for now. I have a lot of other reflections on the past two weeks, but I'll just have to share those when I can. For now, we're in good spirits and just facing each day as it comes. Thank you all for sharing in this journey with us, and thank you for all the prayers! =)
1. Heartbeat- Baby Joey's heartbeat seems to be back in the normal range- Praise the Lord! =) During our ultrasound and at the doctor's office, Joey's heartbeat was registering in the 140's, so the low readings from 2 weeks ago may have been just a fluke. Anyhow, that was great news.
2. Weight- Based on ultrasound measurements of Joey's stomach and leg bone, the technician estimates Joey's current weight to be right around 3lbs.
3. Pictures- We got some really cute pictures of Joey at the ultrasound. It appears that Joey has no additional (visible) birth defects, although many babies with anencephaly also have cleft palates, etc. He also has perfectly formed hands and feet, but he kept wiggling so much, it was tough to get any still pictures! (Oh, yes.. and he's still a boy!) The tech also gave us a free DVD of the ultrasound, which will be a lovely memento down the road.
4. Amniotic Fluid- I certainly have more than enough amniotic fluid present, as I pretty much suspected (based on how I feel/look at only 7 months!) According to our ultrasound tech, the peak amount of amniotic fluid in a normal pregnancy is 25, and then begins to go down as the baby gets close to delivery. My number currently is 41, and will not likely go down, but could continue to build up further. The reason I have too much fluid is that Baby Joey isn't swallowing it the way a healthy baby would, so it means his lungs most likely aren't working very well either. This is a typical occurrence for babies with anencephaly. ("41 what?" you might want to ask. Apparently, the numbers don't correspond to anything we know... ounces, grams, mL, etc. So, I guess.. 41 AFU (amniotic fluid units?))
5. Healthy Mama- My health is doing well, however. Good blood pressure, etc. I've just been getting more and more uncomfortable on a daily basis, feeling like I'm 9 months pregnant instead of 7, so I've been lying low for the past few weeks now. (I prescribed a self-induced, partial bed rest for myself lately!) At least I now feel justified in feeling 9 months pregnant, since my doctor says I'm definitely measuring the size of full term already.
6. Likely Early Labor- The above being said, there is also a good risk that I'll be going into spontaneous labor earlier than my due date (which is Dec 20th). Apparently, any day now is a possibility. As my body continues to feel full term, there's a good chance it will just say, "time to come out, baby!" I feel at peace about the situation, either way. It's uncomfortable feeling 9 months pregnant, but it's sweet to feel Baby Joey's wiggles, loving him, and knowing that he's safe for now. On the other hand, if God is ready to call him home earlier than expected, I feel at peace about God's timing too. (Regardless, I realize I better be getting my things ready to go!)
7. Natural Birth Center- At the hospital where I'll be giving birth, there is a natural birth center area, (which is where I delivered Elisa.) It's much more "home-like" than a hospital room, has a birthing tub, a family room for waiting family, etc. I was originally told I couldn't give birth there due to Joey's condition. However, on Tuesday at the hospital meeting, I found out that I now have special permission to birth there anyways (regardless of whether I go into labor early). I was really happy about that news, as the thought of the hospital atmosphere really stressed me out, and this area is much, much, more calming and welcoming.
8. Lots of Contractions- On the subject of delivery, I've been feeling loads of contractions lately. Last night, for example, I was so uncomfortable after going to bed, I decided to just get up and go downstairs. My abdomen was so tight and uncomfortable, that I finally realized that I was having contractions. They actually continued regularly for quite some time, and it occurred to me that I might need to think about timing them! Wowser. Well, they did continue on for some time, but then finally went away. (If you're reading this and not familiar with pregnancy, early contractions are normal for any pregnancy, called Braxton-Hicks. I just don't remember ever feeling them so early or so frequently with Elisa.)
Well, that's all the medical updates I can think of for now. I have a lot of other reflections on the past two weeks, but I'll just have to share those when I can. For now, we're in good spirits and just facing each day as it comes. Thank you all for sharing in this journey with us, and thank you for all the prayers! =)
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Facing Yet Another Cross
The time has come in this pregnancy to face yet another cross. I've been dreading this one ever since the first day of finding out our sweet baby's terminal diagnosis- the time of pregnancy when everyone asks you all about it! Now that I'm 28 weeks, and clearly showing, it seems that pretty much everyone feels inspired to discuss it with me. At church, in the grocery store, in the library, at the chiropractor's- you name it, if I'm there, people are ready to talk about it.
Due to the fact that I have a 16 month old as well, she usually helps to start the conversation rolling, and it pretty much goes like this..."Oh what a cute daughter you have! How old is she? Is she your first? And I see you're expecting again! Do you know what you're having? When are you due?
That part I can handle. If it ends there, it's easy enough to just smile and go on. The hard part is that people typically throw in a final blanket statement before they walk away, like... "Oh, you're going to have your hands full!" Or, "My daughter had two that were only 16 months apart and it was awful!! Wish you luck!" Or, "So close? Oh, they're going to be the best of friends!"
Truth is, every blanket statement just makes it hurt more. The fact is, not only am I not going to have my hands full; I'm going to have painfully empty arms come Dec/Jan. Or, how I wish I had better luck than the mother with 2 healthy children, only 16 months apart. And yes, thanks for reminding how much Elisa, who loves babies and kids, is going to miss out on having a sibling and playmate close in age.
Sigh. Yet another cross to offer up, and then cry about when I get home. This whole experience of suffering with our Baby Joey had caused me to reflect on Jesus' road to Calvary so much. I feel like I've gotten past my own little "Agony in the Garden," (as in... Pleeease, take this cup away from me), and gotten to the point of at least accepting this cross as God will for me. Each day is hard, though, like today when I ran into yet another pregnancy commentator at the grocery store. It makes me think of Jesus' suffering, and His prayer, "Father forgive them; they know not what they do/(say)."
Due to the fact that I have a 16 month old as well, she usually helps to start the conversation rolling, and it pretty much goes like this..."Oh what a cute daughter you have! How old is she? Is she your first? And I see you're expecting again! Do you know what you're having? When are you due?
That part I can handle. If it ends there, it's easy enough to just smile and go on. The hard part is that people typically throw in a final blanket statement before they walk away, like... "Oh, you're going to have your hands full!" Or, "My daughter had two that were only 16 months apart and it was awful!! Wish you luck!" Or, "So close? Oh, they're going to be the best of friends!"
Truth is, every blanket statement just makes it hurt more. The fact is, not only am I not going to have my hands full; I'm going to have painfully empty arms come Dec/Jan. Or, how I wish I had better luck than the mother with 2 healthy children, only 16 months apart. And yes, thanks for reminding how much Elisa, who loves babies and kids, is going to miss out on having a sibling and playmate close in age.
Sigh. Yet another cross to offer up, and then cry about when I get home. This whole experience of suffering with our Baby Joey had caused me to reflect on Jesus' road to Calvary so much. I feel like I've gotten past my own little "Agony in the Garden," (as in... Pleeease, take this cup away from me), and gotten to the point of at least accepting this cross as God will for me. Each day is hard, though, like today when I ran into yet another pregnancy commentator at the grocery store. It makes me think of Jesus' suffering, and His prayer, "Father forgive them; they know not what they do/(say)."
Gifts of Love
This week has been characterized by the sweetest gifts of love arriving for Baby Joey. No words can describe how touching each one is to us. We've received so many cards, little packages in the mail, as well as items dropped off at our house. Each item was made or picked out with so much love, and each one brings tears to our eyes, (in a good way).
Baby things are positively adorably anyways, but when they're coming to us in teeny-tiny sizes, and for our baby whose life is destined to be so short, each item feels incredibly special. Thank you so much to everyone for your wonderful gifts of love for our Baby Joey. We feel so loved and honored by your beautiful and thoughtful gifts!! =)
Thursday, September 20, 2012
More Letting Go and Letting God
I had my monthly OB checkup today. Matt came with me while my mom watched Elisa.
Well, during my checkup, as is routine, the doctor brought the fetal monitor over me, in order to hear Baby Joey's heartbeat. When it picked up a sound, however, both Matt and I looked at each other, thinking that what we heard didn't sound good at all! The doctor moved it to another spot on my abdomen, and it sounded a little better, but still "not right." I didn't know exactly what was wrong as I couldn't see the monitor, but Matt was able to see the numbers: between 85-95 beats per minute. (During previous visits, Joey's heartbeat had been reading more like 160 or so, which is normal.) Matt asked about it, but our doctor was optimistic, saying, "Oh, it's ok; these monitors aren't always accurate." That being said, however, we are definitely wondering what it all means, and whether Joey's heart will actually make it to a live birth or not.
Secondly, my abdomen also measured bigger than normal this time, by about 3cm. What that means is that I could be getting polyhydramnios, which is an abundance of amniotic fluid building up (because the baby's lungs aren't working well enough to swallow it, as a healthy baby would). This condition can cause a number of complications, including early labor and even stillbirth.
What all this means to me is that, despite my own plans for Baby Joey- my birth plan, my plan for meeting and spending time with him in this world, my plan for having him baptized alive-- may or may not be God's plans for Baby Joey and myself. Whatever happens, we definitely believe that Joey is in God's hands; however, we're also realizing that plenty of details might not work out according to our wishes. Seems that in every step of this walk we've been having to let go, more and more. It's so hard, but kind of freeing too-- (as in, if it doesn't work out perfectly, well, it's in God's hands!) It makes me think of Mary and all the challenges of her journey through life with Jesus. Her response to God always is, "Le it be it done unto me, according to Your will."
Well, during my checkup, as is routine, the doctor brought the fetal monitor over me, in order to hear Baby Joey's heartbeat. When it picked up a sound, however, both Matt and I looked at each other, thinking that what we heard didn't sound good at all! The doctor moved it to another spot on my abdomen, and it sounded a little better, but still "not right." I didn't know exactly what was wrong as I couldn't see the monitor, but Matt was able to see the numbers: between 85-95 beats per minute. (During previous visits, Joey's heartbeat had been reading more like 160 or so, which is normal.) Matt asked about it, but our doctor was optimistic, saying, "Oh, it's ok; these monitors aren't always accurate." That being said, however, we are definitely wondering what it all means, and whether Joey's heart will actually make it to a live birth or not.
Secondly, my abdomen also measured bigger than normal this time, by about 3cm. What that means is that I could be getting polyhydramnios, which is an abundance of amniotic fluid building up (because the baby's lungs aren't working well enough to swallow it, as a healthy baby would). This condition can cause a number of complications, including early labor and even stillbirth.
What all this means to me is that, despite my own plans for Baby Joey- my birth plan, my plan for meeting and spending time with him in this world, my plan for having him baptized alive-- may or may not be God's plans for Baby Joey and myself. Whatever happens, we definitely believe that Joey is in God's hands; however, we're also realizing that plenty of details might not work out according to our wishes. Seems that in every step of this walk we've been having to let go, more and more. It's so hard, but kind of freeing too-- (as in, if it doesn't work out perfectly, well, it's in God's hands!) It makes me think of Mary and all the challenges of her journey through life with Jesus. Her response to God always is, "Le it be it done unto me, according to Your will."
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
An Emotional Week
Last Monday, Sept 10th, was my birthday. It was also the day that another baby boy with anencephaly was born- Amalya Nathaniel. We and Amalya's parents have the same doctor, and we got to know the family a bit through our shared situation. Little Amalya lived for about 80 minutes, and lovingly passed away in his parents' arms. I was full of emotions that day, watching Facebook closely for updates and pictures. The beautiful family felt their little Amalya was an absolute blessing, a "Work of the Lord," despite his short life here on Earth. I was so happy watching this beautiful family celebrate Amalya's life, but had a very heavy heart at the same time, knowing that my own dear baby's time was soon to come.
Skip ahead to Thursday and Friday... watching the scene unfold with little Amalya made me feel like it was time to take care of some business. I bit the bullet, and decided to find out what I could about local funeral services, cemeteries, etc. I knew it was going to be difficult, but didn't know how difficult until I started making phone calls and relating our situation, over and over. Basically, I sobbed the whole day away.
On Sunday, we went to the funeral service for little Amalya. As we were walking up to the church where it was being held, I felt at peace and pretty much in control. I thought it was going to be ok. Once we stepped into the receiving line, however, my head began to spin and I felt like I might pass out. All at once, this scene was me- my baby, my guests. I was the mom who just gave birth. I felt like it was a prequel- a deja vu in reverse.
I choked back a loud sob, and almost ran back to the car. Instead, I ran to the bathroom. I wanted to stay and join in celebrating this baby's life. After calming down a bit, I made it through the line and the rest of the service without making too much of a scene. The funeral service was definitely beautiful. It was such a witness of faith and belief in God's plan for each one of our lives. It was truly a beautiful experience and we felt very blessed to be there, despite the deep emotions it evoked.
On Monday, I decided to go and check out the cemetery recommended by our local Church and funeral homes. It was a lovely cool day, and that made me happy. I drove around and around the cemetery looking for the "baby garden," section, as they called it. I thought it would just stand out as obvious, but I drove around and around and I couldn't locate it. Finally, I pulled over and cheerfully asked one of the workers for directions to the baby garden. He said, "Well, there are a couple of different ones. Do you know which one the baby you're looking for is buried in?" I shook my head no. Then he said, "Hmm.. do you know how long ago the baby was buried?" The second question took me completely by surprise. I couldn't answer; I just automatically burst into tears. Finally I shook my head and pointed to my bulging abdomen. The man felt terrible, and was so sorry for asking. He tried to explain where to go, but I was such a mess by that point, he practically walked me to the area so I could get there. Finally, at the baby garden, I felt at peace again. I was sad to see so many little plaques, but it made me happy for my faith and the hope that we will be able to meet our loved ones again some day. I started to read the names and birth dates of some of the little babies buried there. I felt like it would be a fitting place for our little Joey, surrounded by so many welcoming little friends.
Skip ahead to Thursday and Friday... watching the scene unfold with little Amalya made me feel like it was time to take care of some business. I bit the bullet, and decided to find out what I could about local funeral services, cemeteries, etc. I knew it was going to be difficult, but didn't know how difficult until I started making phone calls and relating our situation, over and over. Basically, I sobbed the whole day away.
On Sunday, we went to the funeral service for little Amalya. As we were walking up to the church where it was being held, I felt at peace and pretty much in control. I thought it was going to be ok. Once we stepped into the receiving line, however, my head began to spin and I felt like I might pass out. All at once, this scene was me- my baby, my guests. I was the mom who just gave birth. I felt like it was a prequel- a deja vu in reverse.
I choked back a loud sob, and almost ran back to the car. Instead, I ran to the bathroom. I wanted to stay and join in celebrating this baby's life. After calming down a bit, I made it through the line and the rest of the service without making too much of a scene. The funeral service was definitely beautiful. It was such a witness of faith and belief in God's plan for each one of our lives. It was truly a beautiful experience and we felt very blessed to be there, despite the deep emotions it evoked.
On Monday, I decided to go and check out the cemetery recommended by our local Church and funeral homes. It was a lovely cool day, and that made me happy. I drove around and around the cemetery looking for the "baby garden," section, as they called it. I thought it would just stand out as obvious, but I drove around and around and I couldn't locate it. Finally, I pulled over and cheerfully asked one of the workers for directions to the baby garden. He said, "Well, there are a couple of different ones. Do you know which one the baby you're looking for is buried in?" I shook my head no. Then he said, "Hmm.. do you know how long ago the baby was buried?" The second question took me completely by surprise. I couldn't answer; I just automatically burst into tears. Finally I shook my head and pointed to my bulging abdomen. The man felt terrible, and was so sorry for asking. He tried to explain where to go, but I was such a mess by that point, he practically walked me to the area so I could get there. Finally, at the baby garden, I felt at peace again. I was sad to see so many little plaques, but it made me happy for my faith and the hope that we will be able to meet our loved ones again some day. I started to read the names and birth dates of some of the little babies buried there. I felt like it would be a fitting place for our little Joey, surrounded by so many welcoming little friends.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Downsizing the Bucket List...
When I wrote in an earlier post about taking Baby Joey on adventures in utero... I was in the midst of 2nd trimester and feeling great! I was having a somewhat-fiendish delight in thinking about all the things I would like to do with him- (As in, all the things that you're NOT supposed to do while pregnant!) Like... riding roller coasters, water slides, horseback riding, downhill skiing, drinking beer, eating blue cheese and lunchmeat, skydiving.. (LOL- not really going that far!) But, you get the drift. I could just imagine the look on an operator's face when I was stopped for being pregnant-- "It's ok!" I'd say,cheerfully. "My baby only has 3 months to live, and we're making memories!"
My thought was not intending to be reckless, just adventurous. As many of my friends know, "adventure" is one of my favorite things in life! And so, sharing adventures is one thing I feel I'm really going to miss experiencing with my firstborn son.
[We have managed to complete a few adventures in Baby Joey's lifetime so far- (but not nearly as crazy as the ideas above!)-- camping a few times, hiking, walked a 1/2 marathon, square danced in a world-record attempting event, cheered on Daddy at the Mudstash (5K Obstacle Course) etc., to name a few. We do still have a trip to Chicago and the Willis Tower hopefully on our Bucket List, in addition to several weddings, and a few small other things.]
That being said, however, now that I'm rapidly approaching third trimester, I've popped out (tremendously) and am starting to feel like a beached whale. Adventures still sound enticing... but pretty much seem physically impossible. We went camping last weekend and I could barely get around to chase my toddler, let alone try to get some sleep at night! I was having a lot of Braxton-Hicks contractions all weekend, and I was just uncomfortable in general, for many reasons.
I was starting to feel pretty down about being at the point of the third trimester aches and pains already. On the one hand, I couldn't believe I felt this way already, and still have 3 months to go. On the other hand, I couldn't believe I only have 3 months to go, and feel like I can't get around to do much anymore!
I was thinking about this problem a lot last night. I was exhausted, but I couldn't sleep; meanwhile Baby Joey was doing gymnastic floor exercises right across my abdomen! I started to imagine what Joey was thinking, and what he'd say about all of this. I imagine he'd say something like, "Silly Mommy! I just want you to sit here and hold me. I don't want to run all around everywhere- I'm a baby remember?! If you just lie still, I'll wiggle for you... And, maybe tomorrow we can play with Elisa too!"
The thought was very sweet and made me tear up. I remember many days after Elisa was born, just staying home, holding and snuggling with her. It was some of the most wonderful time I've ever spent in my life. I can't imagine regretting a second of it!
So, I got to thinking... maybe Baby Joey is a cuddler too! Maybe he doesn't even really like adventures that much... (Hard to believe, I know. LOL) Maybe he just wants to spend time playing with his sister, and being held by his mommy. Maybe he wants to show off his gymnastics, and I have to sit still so I can feel how impressive his movements are.
Maybe he's glad that I'm slowing down... Maybe he just wants to spend the last three months with me?
Friday, September 7, 2012
Friday- 7 Quick Takes
1. Fulton Sheen's Miracle Baby
So, via the blogosphere, I was recently introduced to little James Fulton- the baby whose miracle cure has been officially submitted for the Beatification of Fulton Sheen. How awesome is that? You can read the story firsthand at this link- http://learningtobeanewlywed.blogspot.com/p/sheen.html2. Resting Up for the Kick-Boxing Tournament
Wed night was a sad night. I laid awake for a long time, realizing that I had not felt Baby Joey's kicks that day. (He normally has been kicking me 100+ times/day, so this was unusual.) I feared we might have lost him already and I cried myself to sleep.
On Thursday morning, however, I awoke to what felt like a kick-boxing tournament inside my abdomen- "Well, well.. Good morning Joey!" Seems he was fine all along--just resting up for his tournament! =)
3. Fireworks
On Sunday, Matt, Elisa, Joey and I headed downtown for the annual Labor Day Fireworks display. (Apparently it's one of the best fireworks in the country!) It was pouring down rain all evening, so we got a spot further away than usual, near our car. Elisa oooh'd and aaah'd over the fireworks, but I think Joey slept through them all! http://www.webn.com/pages/FWX.html
4. How Are We Doing?
Well, it's been a good week and busy week. We went to the fireworks on Sunday, threw a big Labor Day party on Mon, rested on Tues, visited with a good friend of mine on Wed, played at the Children's Museum on Thursday, and are currently blogging on Friday! It's getting easier to talk about Baby Joey without bursting into tears, and we've been feeling so much love and support from everyone around us. (I'm 25 weeks this week-- the past month has absolutely flown by!) By the way, if you're new to our story... you can read about it in my first post here.. http://beforeiformedyou.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-sad-news.html
5. Saints-in-the-Making
One thing that has been such a beautiful and powerful experience through all of this is running into so many people who have stories of carrying their own babies to term, and loving them no matter the diagnosis. (I have just been realizing how many saints-in-the-making are all over the world-- babies and adults! Wow.) Here are a few of the websites I've come across-- (Oh.. btw.. might want to get some tissues handy)
Prenatal Partners for Life- tear-jerking video on the homepage, and side tab with beautiful stories of babies with about every prenatal disgnosis out there http://www.prenatalpartnersforlife.org/
99 Balloons- beautiful video about a baby who lived just 99 days, and how his parents celebrated every day as a birthday http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kde1c3JYS44 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUd6kZ2uDNA
Baby Dominic- has encephalocele, and the most beautiful and loving family ever. Please pray for Baby Dominic... http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/dominicgundrum
6. Bittersweet Birthday- Sept. 10th
This coming Monday is my birthday-- (We'll just pretend I'm turning 26 this year, ok?!) It's bitter to be turning more than a quarter of a century old (LOL...), but sweet to be sharing the day with my family and Baby Joey. =) We'll also be going out to a nice dinner, thanks to Matt's boss.. yayyy! Thanks Bill! =)
Bittersweet Birthday Cont'd-- Amalya Nathaniel
On a more serious note, I found out that another baby diagnosed with anencephaly is scheduled to be born on Monday-- via C-Section. The parents go to my same doctor, and have been beautiful in sharing their resources and love with us. Please pray for their family and baby boy, Amalya Nathaniel. (Amalya is a Hebrew word which means "work of the Lord," and Nathaniel means "given by God.") Please pray for courage and strength for their family, and that they may have a beautiful time spent with their little boy, however long it may be. The baby's grandmother started a blog about Amalya here- http://mariaelkins.com/index.php/quilts/surrender/ and made a quilt to capture the experience. It is heartwrenchingly beautiful... what an artist. Brings tears to my eyes every time I look at it.
7. Correspondence Overload
Finally, we are so awed and amazed at the outpouring of love from family, friends, and even so many people we don't know! I regret to say, however, that I'm about 20 phone calls and probably 50 e-mails behind in responding to all of you! Thanks for your patience.. =) and thank you all, for your love and prayers for our family.
Something Old, New, Borrowed, or Blue?
To my Artsy, Crafty, Gift-giving, and/or Pinterest-Inclined Friends...
I have started compiling a list of a few small items we would be so thankful to acquire before Baby Joey's arrival- only 3 months away (or sooner)! Because of my recent scare that I had already lost him, I feel more pressure to get on the ball in this department. I think it would be so incredibly special if people we know would be interested in making any of these for us, but I would also be willing to buy them... if you can help me find where!1. Little Hats, and/or Miniature Baby Blankets- sounds like we'll need a few- for hospital, photos, (home-maybe?), and funeral. I think the homemade crocheted hats are so much more beautiful than the hospital ones. I especially think little Mary's hat is so perfect here.. http://www.prenatalpartnersforlife.org/Stories/AnencephalyStoriesIndex.htm. Anybody want to make me some, and/or matching miniature baby blankets? That would be sooo sweet. The hats would need to be very little (like preemie or doll-size) and if they have some thickness to the top, they seem to look really nice in pictures. The blankets can be teeny-tiny, like doll blankets also.
2. Clothing- So, we'll most likely need only a couple of outfits as well. We're looking for the type of outfit that would look beautiful in pictures after birth, and/or funeral services, and I can't find anything special enough to purchase. I think a fuzzy Carter's-type sleeper, with a Bible verse sewn in calligraphy would be very special. (white on blue; or blue on white) Anybody want to find or sew something like this for us...? I can give you our favorite Bible verses if you would be interested in doing this. I think an outfit like the following, with a med-light blue hat, and tiny matching blanket would be so beautiful. (This picture is Dominic Gundrum, who has encephalocele. I wrote about him in my previous post.) http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/dominicgundrum/photos/entry/num/8
3. Memory Box- So, other folks suggested putting a few keepsakes (a few pictures, an outfit Joey wore, a blanket, stuffed animal, etc) in a memory box afterwards, that is pretty enough to put on display. Some people get a small cedar chest, or a larger jewelry box, etc. Any suggestions?
4. Three Plaster Mold Kits- For taking a mold of baby's Joey's hands and feet, and an extra for messing up! (I'm not sure, but I hear it can be bought at craft stores?)
5. Haberman Feeder-? Supposedly effective in helping babies with neural tube disorders and/or cleft palate nurse. Don't know if we will be able to use it at all, but it might be worth trying. Anybody have one we can borrow?
6. Stethoscope/Heartbeat Monitor of some kind? Silly question, maybe.. but does anyone have a stethoscope and/or heartbeat monitor lying around that we could borrow for a while? We've heard it's so comforting to hear the baby's heartbeat during the continuing pregnancy.
7. Big Sister Shirt/Outfit for Elisa- She's a peanut, but let's suppose she'll be in 18-month clothes by then. If you have one or two we could borrow, that would be awesome.
8. Large Maternity Dress- So... I've also gotten advice that I should have a dress lined up for the funeral. I'm a pretty pitiful shopper anyhow, and won't be in any state of mind to shop then. Soon after giving birth, it'll still need to be a maternity dress. Anybody have one that I could possibly borrow?
If you have any other suggestions about little essentials we'll need, just let me know. Thanks!
PS- I think we're in good shape with everything on this list now! Thank you everyone for your generosity! =) 9/20/12
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