How was our Christmas? Well... it was definitely sad at times. My due date was Dec. 20th, so it didn't escape me that, had circumstances been different, I'd be holding a newborn for Christmas. Sigh.
At the same time, however, it wasn't a sadness of despair or completely overwhelming, but perhaps the kind of sadness that comes with all change-- when life moves slowly along. I imagine it's akin to the sadness that any mother feels when her baby goes to kindergarten for the first time, or off to college, or down the aisle on their wedding day. The sadness that I felt was in realizing that Joey went on to better things without us; that our time caring for him on this Earth was over; that circumstances weren't different. Joey lived a full life on this Earth in a matter of minutes, and I experienced the fullness of being his mother in that same amount of time.
I feel the same sadness watching Elisa grow up too. Last year, I did have a baby for Christmas, (not a newborn, but definitely a baby); the year before I had a pregnancy. And now I've got a toddler, and I just can't believe how time is flying by. Elisa's already a year and a half-- another 11 like it and she'll be graduating from high school! Oh, gosh. This motherhood stuff is really tough no matter how you experience it! It makes me wonder how/when/where, (not if), I'll be forced to let Elisa go, and it reminds me to stop and hug her as often as possible (especially when she's bugging me, or crying, or trashing my house, or I'm trying to get something done, etc.) i.e. As she is climbing all over my computer desk as I write this!!
Fast forward to Christmas Eve. This year, more than ever, I wanted to experience the birth of Christ in a deeper way. I wanted Christmas to be about baby Jesus. We had a bunch a family gatherings scheduled to run around and open presents, but my heart wasn't in that at all. I decided to skip the evening festivities and instead I wanted to spend Christmas Eve with Mary, anxiously awaiting baby Jesus's arrival. I wanted to be the "first one there," so to speak, like our family and priest who stayed up most of the night in the waiting room, anticipating the arrival of our Baby Joey.
I went to my local parish church and spent the evening in the chapel there. As I sat there, I thought about Mary's travel to Bethlehem at nine months pregnant, going into labor in the stable, and her being all alone in a different town, with only Joseph and the animals. I realized Christmas Eve was the day Mary would have been in labor, and that made me feel a deep connection with her as I re-lived Joey's labor and birth in my mind. I decided I would stay there in the chapel "with Mary" until Jesus was born, like my doula stayed with me, and brought me tremendous comfort as I labored to bring Joey into the world. At 11:00pm-11:30ish, the church started filling with people, the choir started singing songs of joy and glad tidings, and my heart wept. It was actually very, very, beautiful. I was still alone in the little back chapel, sticking it out with Mary. (If, say, Jesus was born at midnight, then Mary would have been in transition at 11:30pm, and my heart cried out with her. I also felt tremendous joy when the clock struck 12, and the whole Church burst into song!)
Being the mother of Jesus was a tremendous gift, as well as a tremendous cross for Mary. (Just like we felt with Joey.) Mary is called "Our Lady of Sorrows" for that reason. Seems that the two go hand-in-hand: tremendous spiritual gifts, and also crosses. To suffer for another is to have loved them, and I feel that way about our time with Joey. I think my prayer for 2013 will have to be asking for more of Mary's help in my life: Mary, please teach me how to love Jesus better and welcome Him into my life, as you did! Help me to welcome not only the joys, but also the crosses that go with them. Help me to labor, out of love, for others.
