Grave Marker Update

I wanted to mention that we've met our goal for purchasing Joey's grave marker! (I know- seems like a crazy thing to celebrate.)  Well, it's joyful for us to share our little Joey with others, and this will help others (and us) identify his resting place.  We'll be ordering a marker soon, but apparently it takes several months to get it in.  

As Catholics, we believe that Joey's spirit is in Heaven, but one day he'll be reunited with his body as well.  (And it will be whole and perfect then.)  For now, his little body is really a relic, and the place where he's buried would be considered holy ground.

It's our hope that others will find comfort in connecting with Joey, and asking for his prayers for you and your family.  I know that we have been immensely blessed to have Joey in our lives, and every day brings new surprises from him!  We hope that others will find comfort and healing through Joey's prayers as well. 

(PS- If you wanted to contribute but didn't get the chance, may I suggest making a donation to prenatalpartnersforlife.com or to a Pregnancy Help Center in Joey's name?  We would be so grateful for his life to help other mothers and babies in need!)         

Courage and Closure

Lord, Grant me the Courage...

I started this blog with the thought of being able to document some memories of Joey's life, as well as being able to share his diagnosis with close friends and family. It was much easier to do in writing than in person (seeing as I would burst into tears before words actually came out).  Secondly, I was so grateful for other moms who shared their stories with me, I felt it was only right to share Joey's special life as well.

One day on a whim, I decided to made this blog public, and now it's a little overwhelming-- but kind of a courage-challenge too.  The thought of sharing the deepest parts of my heart with the whole possible world is... wow.  Vertigo.  I have to say, I'm not used to doing this.  So that's why it takes me a really long time in-between posts.  Basically, I have to muster up the courage to share a little more.  And find the words to do so.

How Are We Doing?

I know people are wondering, how are we doing?  It will be 6 weeks, tomorrow, since Joey's birth.  It feels like ages ago and yesterday, at the same time.

The overwhelming feeling that I still have, after experiencing the birth and death of my firstborn son in a day, is AWE.  I am is total awe of the gift that his life was/is to our family, and even to those around us.

Transforming Motherhood

The day that I gave birth to my daughter, Elisa, I was transformed-- into a mother.  I'm pretty sure most mothers feel this way.  It was a change that touched the core of my being, and (I think) it was basically instant.  It changed my life completely.  (I'm not sure it's the same experience with fathers.. but that's a thought to ponder later!)

Anyhow, in a similar way, I experienced the same kind of instant transformation when I became a spiritual mother.  Knowing that my son is in Heaven, praying and rooting for me, is... INCREDIBLE.  It's a gift beyond words.  I can just picture my little Joey saying to the other saints, and to Mary, "Hey, that's my mom!  You've got to help me get her up here too!"  Wow.

The Ups

At the same time, I've had some ups and downs in the past few weeks as well.  The birth of Joey was actually such a spiritual high, strange as that sounds, that we were riding on a total high for a couple of weeks.  It was the most amazing feeling, the closest I've ever felt to God in my life.  And I was really, really grateful for that gift. (The next closest was when I experienced the incorrupt body of St. Bernadette in person, and/or all night Adoration sessions at the Kartause, in Gaming Austria =)

The spiritual high continues when I experience and focus on what I've gained from being Joey's mother- the gifts- joy, grace, peace, a direct link to Heaven, a deeper experience of the meaning of life and suffering, a catalyst for allowing my own heart to grow closer to God, etc.

And the Downs

The Downs happen when I start focusing on what I don't have-- a baby in my arms to hug and hold, a little brother for Elisa to love and pick on, even a pregnancy to complain about anymore!  Unexpected encounters  with people, and explanations can be really difficult.  Some days I feel like a rock (and surprise myself), and other days I find myself melting like a baby.  (I am soooo thankful, by the way, when people give me a heads-up that they know, like, "Hey I've been praying for you." Then I don't have to explain to someone in a state of shock!) Sometimes I just hear a song on the radio... I'll Be Home for Christmas, All I Want for Christmas is You, Mary Did You Know... and burst into tears.

Closure has been the most difficult of all.  In all seriousness, I really feel like Joey's spirit is closer to me, now, than even when I was pregnant.  So it's really strange coming to grips with closure.  The hardest moments with Joey were not when his heartbeat disappeared, but when we handed him over to the funeral director, and said goodbye to his little body, at the funeral and at the cemetery.  Since then, the hardest days have been when I cleaned up the house and put away many of Joey's little things, when I put away my pregnancy clothes (which was awesome, but really sad at the same time), when I went to Mass alone one day (Elisa was sick) and I had flashbacks of Joey's funeral the whole time, when I've attempted to write thank-you cards (which remind me that Joey's really not here with us), etc.    

The Gaping-Heart Wound 

Another thing that I've experienced in the aftermath is that my heart is so full of love for Joey, but since he's not here to receive it, it's just flowing away from me, from a big gaping hole in my heart.  It's tempting to hide it, or bottle it up, which I admit I feel like doing sometimes.  But other times, when I have the courage to direct it towards someone else, it's been a really beautiful experience.  I can see why God put it there, even if I can't give it to Joey.  (Maybe even especially so, since I can share it with people I normally would have never thought to.)

I went on a retreat the week right after Joey's funeral, and one thing affected me profoundly.  In the women's talk, the priest (Fr. Nathan) spoke of allowing your heart to be pierced in the way that Mary's heart was pierced, at the foot of the cross.  At that moment, at the foot of the cross, when Mary was giving her son back to the Father and her heart was pierced the deepest, Jesus gave her to John.  At that moment, she became the "Mother of the Church", and Jesus asked her to love John, (and then others as well), with the love she had in her heart for Jesus.

Wow. wow.. I thought-- ohmigosh-- that's me, too (in a much less profound way).  I gave my son back to the Father, and now my heart is overflowing with love to give to someone.  Wow. Need to think on that one some more.                                            
        
Happy 6 weeks in Heaven, Baby Joey!!  xoxoxoxo
Don't forget to pray for our family and all our friends!

Giving Thanks

We have so, so, much to be thankful for.  Maybe it's easier to realize it because we've just had a deep loss,  I don't know.  What I do know is that I feel so incredibly thankful for the little things this year, which now seem huge... life, freedom, good health, two arms and two legs, sunshine, fresh air, Elisa's laughter, big hugs from Matt, the smell of campfires burning, crunching the fall leaves underfoot, dear friendships... I could go on.

We're also incredibly thankful for all of YOU-- you, who have journeyed with us, grieved with us, celebrated with us, and recognized the precious life of our little baby Joey.  We are more grateful that words can express.  To those of you who contributed to Joey's grave marker, we are soooo grateful, and we're almost there!  We want to thank every one of you personally, and we are in the process of writing your thank-you cards... very slowly, but surely. =)   .

Finally, on this eve of Thanksgiving in America, I especially want to say, thank you, God, for all the wonderful things you have put into my life! Thank you for my family, friends, health, the natural world and all its beauty, and especially life itself! Thank you for sending us baby Joey to help us remember what's important.  And, especially, thank you for the Eucharist, and for sending your own Son to die for me.

To baby Joey- "Happy one month birthday, on Friday!" We love you and miss you dearly!          

Gifts From Joey

So... I'm not really one to be superstitious, overly sentimental, or anything like that.  However, a few really sweet things have happened since Joey's passing and I thought some of you would take joy in hearing about them.  Do I know for sure these stories are from Joey? No, of course not.  However, do I believe that Joey is really alive, much more so than before, and could possibly take the time to bring our family little messages of love? (Yes, of course!)

Mommy's Garden

We planted a square foot garden this past spring, with all kinds of wonderful fruits and veggies, right around the time Joey was conceived.  As the summer went on, Elisa and I would spend a few moments each day, checking out the progress, picking little weeds, and munching on a few ripe treats.  The garden made me think a lot of our coming baby, as I watched the new sprouts grow taller and bear fruit.

As the summer heat continued, however, the garden started to wilt and dry up, despite my efforts.  We then left for a long weekend, and the garden was nearly fried by the time we got back. Two days later, we found out about Joey's diagnosis and were devastated.  I couldn't bear to work in the garden anymore, and I felt it was perfectly symbolic that it had wilted away, right along with our hopes for baby Joey.

Well.. skip ahead to the day after Joey's birth.  Our neighbor was talking to Matt and they walked out back near the garden.  It was Oct 24th, and one perfect red strawberry was hanging over the edge of the garden in plain sight.  The neighbor saw it and said, "Hey it actually looks like a heart!" And it did. There was a little leaf sticking down just so, which made the strawberry look just like a heart.

It was also our first ripe strawberry of the year and the garden.  (We just put in the strawberry plants this summer and had been picking off the flowers so the plants would bear better fruit next year.)  So, to us, it was a beautiful symbol of Joey's new life in Heaven, and how his life has only just begun to bear fruit!

Daddy's Glasses

Well, if you're Catholic, you might be familiar with the practice of asking a saint to help you out with little things, like finding missing glasses.  We believe the saints can, if God allows them, help us out here below. (So, why not ask?)

Well, when Matt misplaced his glasses the other day, we looked around for about 15 min to no avail.  Matt was getting anxious to get to work, and so on the spur of the moment we decided to ask Joey for help.  Not even 10 seconds later, we walked back into the living room and there they were-- right on the top edge of the couch, where I thought we already looked!

Coincidence? Perhaps.  Love message from Joey? We prefer to think so!  (I can just imagine what Joey would have been like as a little boy, eager to please, and running all around the house to help find daddy's glasses!)

Grandma's Water

This story is from my mom, and she is really the opposite of overly-sentimental.  However, this one even choked her up.

Anyhow, my mom was helping us get ready for the day of Joey's funeral, and she had taken Elisa grocery shopping while Matt and I were making funeral arrangements.  We were planning to have folks over afterwards, and so mom was picking up food/drinks for the after party.  We knew that we didn't want to grieve all day, but that we wanted to celebrate Joey's little life, and the gift he had been to us already.

So, that being said, mom was debating whether to pick up a few water bottles for the guests or not.  She didn't feel like walking all the way to the back of the store, so she just decided to forget it.  At the last minute, she changed her mind and headed to get some.  What she saw next choked her up-- right on the top of the package, in huge letters, it said something like, "check out our new labels, where you can write your name like this... JOEY"!

Mom couldn't believe her eyes, and felt that Joey was saying to us, "It's ok! Go ahead and celebrate. I'm in Heaven and we're celebrating here too!"

Postpartum-- the Surprise of JOY

I know it's been a few weeks since my last blog post.  I started this one a while ago but, for some reason, I've had a terrible time finishing it.  Words are just inadequate.

How are we doing in the aftermath of baby Joey's birth and death? Surprisingly..... Wonderful. Joyful. Grateful. In Awe, (at the mystery of life and love).  I want to shout it from the rooftops; I can't believe God's goodness to us.  In the short moments of Joey's little life, I discovered that having a baby with anencephaly wasn't a curse at all; it was a gift.  Joey didn't really need us (i.e. his little life was already destined for Heaven), but we sure needed him.  And now we're forever changed.    

I know that I couldn't believe it... I didn't believe it... when I read so many stories of moms in similar circumstances, and how they would not trade this experience for anything in the world.  The stories of joy, hope, consolation, the gift of life that the child brought to the mother, were positively incredible.  I didn't think it was possible to find so much joy and peace in this difficult situation, in the midst of intense suffering and loss.

And yet, here I am, and now I'm starting to get it.  These past few weeks have been incredible-- absolutely, positively, life-changing.  (I feel as if I've gained a hundred years in wisdom and understanding, about the meaning of life.)  I, too, can now say that I wouldn't trade this experience for anything in the world.  I feel so immensely blessed that I was chosen to be little Joey's mom.  From the time of diagnosis, I knew I was embracing a cross, and all I could see before me were the tears and suffering involved.  I knew that I had a burden to bear, but I had no idea it was going to turn into the most incredible gift, and possibly the best experience of my life.  

In the bigger picture of life, I know that I really couldn't, (and didn't), do that much for little Joey.  True, I chose to face some "avoidable" suffering, in order to continue the pregnancy and give birth.  At times, it was so hard.  I was uncomfortable, discouraged, heartbroken.  But, what I've gained from the experience is unreal, an immense gift, and made it worthwhile 100 times over.  I allowed love to triumph.  It didn't change Joey; it changed me.

And that's all the words I have. I will try to elaborate in future posts, but for now, I just feel gratitude for the chance to share in Joey's little life.  Thank you, Jesus, for the gift of little Joey shared with our family!

To Joey, I want to say, "Happy 3 weeks in Heaven, little man!  =) We love you and miss you very much.  Don't forget to pray for mommy, daddy, Elisa, and all our friends!" 

Guest Post: Attending to Details for Joey

Dear Friends,

Many of you already know the story of Baby Joey.  In the middle of their pregnancy, Matt and Marie Howe learned their precious baby boy was not going to live very long on earth once he was born.  Joseph Matthew Howe entered and left this world on October 23, 2012 after spending a little over an hour with his family.

The Howes are overjoyed at being Joey’s parents, having him baptized and confirmed, and being so intimately connected with a little saint in Heaven.  Their beautiful perspective on this whole experience is a testament to God’s ability to work through suffering and the power or prayer.  We serve a good God. 

We ourselves have been encouraged, challenged—and at times—moved to tears at the witness to life that the Howes are. We want to contribute in a small way to the life of saint Joey and lift part of the financial burden off of the Howe family.  We have heard from a lot of people who are interested in helping too.

Matt and Marie have offered us the opportunity to attend to a small detail of Joey’s life and form a closer connection to our newest intercessor. Would you like to help us pay for the grave marker for Joseph Matthew?

Your contribution would honor the loving sacrifices they have made and their “yes” to God.  We can’t help but think of Joey asking graces to be poured out for the love extended to him and his family.

If you wish to contribute, you can give online through the Paypal link on the right.

Please continue to lift up their family in prayer.  The blessings are just beginning!  Joseph Matthew, pray for us!

 In Christ,

Jennifer Sands and Carrie  Schmitt

P.S. If you do wish to contribute, please include your address so they can personally thank you.

Happy All Saint's Day!

We have a super-busy weekend ahead, but I just wanted to stop by and wish all of you a HAPPY ALL SAINT'S DAY!!   This has been the most beautiful and blessed All Saint's Day I've ever experienced.  We feel so incredible blessed to be little Joey's parents, and also to have a son in heaven, who can intercede for all of us!  I wanted to write a big long post on how well we're doing, how blessed we feel, and how God has really turned our tears into joy in the past week... but goodness, I've just run out of time today!

I'll definitely write more next week, but I just want to leave you with knowing that we are all doing very, very, well and feel God's presence so immensely it's indescribable.  God bless you all, have a happy All Saint's Day, and thank you so much for all the prayers!